Death and devotion in a small town.

Characters

• Mary Dammon — Our Fearless Heroine; in love with Charlie; wants to go to Stanford
• Hannah Spelling — Mary’s friend; Dick’s twin sister; unloved by father
• Charlie Gallagher — Mary’s honey; poor; mechanic
• Dick Spelling — spoiled rich kid; wants to bang Mary; currently deceased
• Lieutenant David Sharp — the “young sexy” cop investigating Dick’s murder
• Lieutenant Steven Riles — the “fat forty” cop who is Sharp’s partner
• Dr. Kohner — coroner
• Linda Hoppe — incredibly dumb teenage girl; witness

Execution of Innocence manages to be both fairly decent and pretty boring at the same time. Thematically, it’s a revisitation of his earlier works like Gimme A Kiss, the Final Friends trilogy, and Last Act: just teenagers being really shitty to each other, without the aid of any supernatural forces. Although my favorite Pike books (Scavenger Hunt and Spellbound) actually involve unearthly plotlines, I’ve always like the more “human” Pike books a lot. Where Execution fails is its hasty ending and the feeling that we’ve all been here several times before. Still, it’s a nice little quick read, and a pleasant reprieve from crap like The Book That Shall Not Be Named.

We open, as we so often do in Pike books, in a police station. I think maybe Pike wanted to be a cop as a kid, because he certainly loves him some men in uniform. (My husband, upon reading this, commented, “Don’t most serial killers want to be cops, too?” HA.) Pike’s books may contain the most consistently decent cops in literary history. Inside an interrogation room sit two lieutenants (David Sharp and Steven Riles) and a teenage girl, Mary Dammon, Our Fearless Heroine. Sharp is young and sexy, and Riles is…neither. Oh, so this is a buddy comedy! Sharp and Riles (hereafter known as S&R) are investigating the murder of 18-year-old Dick Spelling, “an all-American blond with good grades and a rich Daddy.”

Mary, to no faithful Pike reader’s surprise, is “not a truly beautiful girl,” as she has “slight imperfections to her features.” THE HORROR. She probably has small boobs, too. But S&R aren’t interested in Mary’s boobs, at least not yet, and they get right down to business as they inquire about Mary’s relationship to Dick. In my head, this conversation sounds like this:

S&R: So, Mary, how do you feel about Dick?
Mary: Well, I don’t have much experience with Dick…
S&R: But surely you know enough about Dick to say whether or not you’re a fan.
Mary: I guess I would have to say that I like Dick.
S&R: What kinds of things did you do with Dick?
Mary: What do you mean?
S&R: Did you ever kiss Dick?
Mary: Once or twice.
S&R: Were you ever rough with Dick?
Mary: Well, once I had to give Dick a good tongue-lashing…

Why yes, I do have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy. Why do you ask?

ANYway. Mary wasn’t good friends with Dick, but she did date him once, despite having a serious boyfriend. That boyfriend is Charlie Gallagher, who is currently missing. Mr. Spelling is convinced that Charlie killed his beloved son over Mary. In the YA Horror world, this is fairly common. Mary says that maybe there was some jealous rivalry between the boys, but she’s not sure. She gives a vague timeline of the night, with too many holes in her story to satisfy S&R. Then comes one of the stranger exchanges in the book, in which Mary tells S&R that Hannah and Dick were twins, and Riles says, “But not identical twins.” WTF, dude? If Riles is trying to be funny, then he is failing miserably. If he is trying to be thoughtful and deep, then he is failing even more miserably. Let’s just say that I don’t get Riles, and move on. We learn that Mary wants to go to Stanford, that Charlie is apparently a big ol’ dummy, and that Mary has blood in her hair. Fucking fascinating.

And now, with a new chapter, we move back to the past. Until the end of the book, we will be transitioning between past and present with each chapter break. It’s all very Gimme A Kiss. Mary, Hannah, Dick, and Charlie all go to Maple High, a small high school in a small town. Well, Maple High has a total student population of 830, which makes it four times the size of the high school that I was unfortunate enough to attend. I know from small towns. Charlie is a mechanic, and one day Mary takes her dilapidated Honda Civic to him for a tune-up. Charlie has nice blue eyes and a handsome jaw, and black hair that is “long and stringy and [hangs] over his broad shoulders like strips of leather.” Well, I’m turned on, what about the rest of you ladies? Charlie tells Mary that her car is just plain old and probably needs to be put out of its misery. Uh, yeah, but dude, it’s a Honda Civic. Mary might be able to get a good 940,000 miles out of it. But Charlie agrees to see what he can do, so he drops her off at her job at the library.

That night, when Mary gets home, she finds her car parked out front and Charlie eating cookies and milk with her mother in the kitchen. So he’s 10, then? Charlie tells Mary that he did what he could, but that the Civic is on its deathbed. He initially tells her she owes him $10, but Mary tells him to “charge what’s fair.” He amends his price to $50, and Mary gets all huffy ’cause “that’s a lot.” Jeez, Mary, make up your damn mind. Do you want him to give you a break ’cause he wants to do you, or do you want to pay a fair price? Anyway, Mary discovers that Charlie lives in the “ghetto” of Maple City. Mary’s squicked out but quickly recovers.

As Mary pulls into Charlie’s ghetto driveway, the ol’ Civic sputters and dies. Mary pitches a major hissy, yelling at Charlie that it’s all his fault. He says he’ll see what he can do and takes her bitchy ass home. The next morning, her car is parked out in front of her house with a big red bow on it. Charlie apparently stayed up all night rebuilding the engine. Charlie must be the World’s Best Mechanic. I know from rebuilding engines, and this is not an overnight job. Just getting the damn thing out of the car can take over a day. Plus, I find it hard to believe he had all the necessary parts available to accomplish the job, since Honda Civic motors are notoriously indestructible, therefore limiting the demand for onhand parts. But whatevs, it’s SO ROMANTIC *squeee* blargh.

Back in the present, Riles is pissed because Mary’s holding out on him and his pardner. Sharp, who is young and horny, is not as pissed. S&R decide it’s time to talk to Hannah, but first they stop to check on the autopsy of Dick. Apparently the autopsy is being performed in the police station because the coroner recently burned down the morgue when he “accidentally set some chemicals on fire with his lit pipe.” Oh, that wacky coroner! The impromptu autopsy location is never named, but I like to imagine that it’s the office of the police chief, and every morning he comes in with his coffee and pastry and has to wipe the bodily fluids off of his desk before sitting down. Also, while Googling for potentially flammable morgue chemicals, I came across this awesome bone decalcifier that I totally want to buy and display on the vanity of my guest bathroom to freak out visitors. I also found this morgue deodorizer pouch that I am definitely going to buy for the cats’ litter room — because if it can tackle the stench of decaying flesh, then it might be able to make a dent in the horror that emanates from the litter boxes of six cats.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah…Dick’s autopsy. I am not exactly blazing my way through this recap, am I? The coroner’s name is Dr. Kohner, which HAHAHA PIKE I GET IT, IT SOUNDS SORT OF LIKE “CORONER” HAHA WHEEEEE. Ahem. Dr. Kohner is half-German, half-Japanese, and he is of course incredibly weird. Because there are no well-adjusted forensic pathologists in the world. Dr. Kohner gives S&R the lowdown on what he’s learned so far, which is…that Dick was killed by a bullet. Bravo, dottore! Or should I say, Durchgebraten, Isha — in honor of Kohner’s Japanese-German heritage. Dr. Kohner goes on to say that the bullet is a .38 and that Dick died within the last four hours. But probably not within the last hour, since that’s when the autopsy started. Unless Dr. Kohner killed Dick. But, since Dr. Kohner is not a horny teenager, I think we can eliminate him from the universal YA horror suspect list.

We are then introduced to Dick and Hannah’s dear old daddy, Mr. Spelling (no relation). He obviously named his beloved son after himself, because Mr. Spelling is a dick. However, he loves his son. His dead son. Oh, how I wish Dick had been gay, so I could make the requisite Heathers joke. Aw, what the hell, I’ll throw it in here anyway.

S&R manage to convince Mr. Spelling to let them question Hannah. Big surprise: her story matches Mary’s exactly. We learn that Hannah is cool and blonde and sly, with expensive clothes and perfect makeup. She doesn’t think that Charlie killed Dick, because Charlie’s so gentle and caring and sweet. Why don’t you just come right out and call him a pussy, Hannah? When pressed about the love triangle between Mary, Dick, and Charlie, Hannah says that Dick liked Mary but wasn’t in love with her, and that he may have been a little jealous of Charlie but that it was obvious to anyone that Charlie and Mary were in lurrrrve. She admits that Charlie and Dick had a big fight over Mary, which piques S&R’s interest.

—

Stay tuned for Part II, where Charlie and Mary have bloody sex, Mary whores it up for a chance at Stanford, and we learn more than we ever wanted to know about Hannah’s tits and ass!

See no evil…

Characters

• Paulette Fox — Our Fearless Heroine; a blind pianist
• Brad Jones — the new boy in Shadyside, and Paulette’s crush; may or may not be a “bad boy”
• Jonathan Maddox — Paulette’s BFF; has a crush on her
• Cindy Webb — Paulette’s BFF; an incorrigible gossip

First of all, I apologize for being the Worst Blogger Ever. I’m going to have to put The Fog on hold for now, because I just can’t seem to write a good recap of it. I decided to tackle a really crappy book instead, so naturally I picked up a Fear Street book. This one has a blind chick! It’s like the most perfect catastrophe ever.

Let’s firstly judge this book by its cover. It’s like Clueless-era Alicia Silverstone decided to do an impression of Stevie Wonder at the top of some stairs. Also, Paulette doesn’t wear sunglasses in the book, but since sunglasses are the universal lazy artist’s code for This Is a Blind Person, I can understand their inclusion here.

We open with a prologue that takes up a full one-fifth of a page. WHAT THE HELL, STINE. Basically we have an unnamed dude spying on a blind girl. The blind girl is apparently hot, with brown hair and green eyes. Oh, and “soft pink lips.” Stine grosses me out sometimes all the time.

After that excitement, Chapter One opens with Our Fearless Heroine, Paulette Fox, screaming at her friend Jonathan to slow down his mad driving skillz. When Jonathan says he’s not speeding, Paulette argues that he’s doing “forty-five in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone.” Pshaw. My first speeding ticket was for 85 in a 40. And that was in a ‘92 Taurus that started shaking uncontrollably once it got up to 75. Jonathan’s a wuss.

We learn that Paulette has been blind from birth, but apparently she is an X-Man with super-awesome hearing and smelling senses. Sigh. Blind people don’t have more acute senses than people with sight, but they do learn to use those senses more efficiently. I’m not sure that knowing exactly how fast a car is going can be explained thusly, but there you have it. Paulette tells Jonathan that she signed up for self-defense in gym class. Jonathan promptly shits a brick, asking, “Isn’t self-defense a little dangerous?” Hey, dumbass, isn’t not knowing how to defend yourself against an aggressor a little MORE dangerous? Who in the hell would deny a young blind woman the opportunity to learn how to protect herself? Paulette says that her parents will probably have the same reaction, because they are just a teensy bit overprotective.

By this time, Jonathan and Paulette have arrived at their destination: the music academy where Paulette takes piano lessons. As she’s walking to the building, someone yells “watch out” and then tackles her. I’m all about turning Fear Street books into full-contact sports. The guy who tackled Paulette explains that an empty car was headed right for her. Christine? Paulette’s tackler/savior is Brad Jones, a senior at Shadyside High. Brad just moved to Shadyside and works part-time as a janitorial assistant at the music academy, because he is poor. He enjoys playing piano but can’t afford lessons, because he is poor. Also? Brad is poor. Paulette really likes Brad’s smooth, deep voice. This may or may not be vital to the plot (”plot”) of this book, so therefore it may or may not be harped upon eleventy billion times throughout. Subtlety, thy name is Stine.

Jonathan FINALLY comes over to check on his friend. Brad takes his leave of them, and Paulette and Jonathan go into the academy for Paulette’s lesson. Apparently she blows chunks at her lesson because she’s all distracted by thoughts of Brad and his dreamy voice. As she and Jonathan are leaving the academy, Brad runs up to Paulette and gets her digits. Paulette is happy that Brad treats her like a normal human being, because “most guys act as if [she's] so fragile [she] could break or something.” Well, Brad’s full-body tackle of Paulette pretty much proves that he doesn’t think she’s breakable. Paulette asks Jonathan what Brad looks like, and you just know that Jonathan’s pulling a total bitchface as he says, “I don’t exactly go around staring at other guys.” He finally concedes that he “thinks” Brad “has brown hair.” How do these visual descriptions help Paulette, anyway? If she’s been blind since birth, she has no concept of the color “brown,” does she? I mean, how do you describe brown to someone who’s never been able to see? “It’s the color of dirt–you know, that stuff that you…can’t…see…aw hell, never mind.”

Jonathan also has some hot gossip for Paulette about her new crush. Rumor has it that Brad “got in major trouble back in Springfield,” and by “major trouble” Jonathan means he got arrested for robbery. That’s pretty major in real-world high school, but in Shadyside where cheerleaders are routinely possessed by evil spirits, I’d say a little B&E is worth a mere “eh.” Paulette doesn’t believe it because Brad seems like such a nice guy. In her defense, even though she’s only known him for five minutes, he did save her life. That would tend to endear someone to me, too.

At the Fox house (den? — oh, I kill me), we meet Paulette’s overprotective parental units and learn that nothing in the house or backyard is ever moved because Paulette has memorized the layout. Can I just take a minute to say that I wish Stine had named Paulette “Samantha?” I love S-S-S-S-Samantha Fox. Naughty girls need love, too, y’all.

Don’t let the sunglasses throw you — this Fox is not blind.

Paulette’s mom keeps Paulette’s clothes on color-coded hangers. I guess Mrs. Fox also gave Paulette extensive lessons on what colors go together? Since, you know, Paulette would have no concept whatsoever of colors and, therefore, no idea of color coordination? This is where I’d be a failure as a parent, because I would totally fuck with Paulette and tell her that pea green and hot pink is the best color combo EVAH. Anyway, as Paulette’s chillin’ in her bedroom listening to some tunes, her BFF Cindy Webb calls. She eases Paulette’s worried mind by assuring her that Brad Jones is really fucking hot — “he looks like a movie star.” I guess that’s supposed to signify ultimate hotness, as apparently Cindy has forgotten that people like Clint Howard are also movie stars.

The mysterious Brad Jones???

Then again, maybe Brad really is butt-fugly, and Paulette’s friends are just fucking with her. That would be hilarious but sad. Mostly hilarious, though.

Paulette asks Cindy about all of the ugly rumors going around about Brad. Cindy says that “rumors don’t start from nothing,” which is often true, but concedes that the rumors could just be “really exaggerated.” Wow, is Cindy actually sort of level-headed? Am I still reading a Fear Street book? Cindy and Paulette conclude their conversation, and Paulette gets another call. The caller is a guy with a husky voice. He says he’s Brad, but Paulette “didn’t recognize his voice.” FORESHADOWING. The maybe-Brad says that he can’t stop thinking about Paulette and assuming that she’s been thinking about him, too. How can a phone call be both creepy and boring at the same time?

We cut to the next day, where Paulette is in her self-defense class. Her teacher tells her to “go with her opponent’s strength” to “use [her] enemy’s strength against him.” This may or may not play a vital role in later events. And then we’re in the school cafeteria for lunch. Cindy is full of gossip, but Paulette’s not paying her a damn bit of attention. Cindy catches her snap and asks about Brad, and Paulette tells her about the weird phone call and how Brad’s voice didn’t sound right. Then Brad himself comes up to the gals, and Cindy leaves her BFF and her crush in peace. Some boring flirting commences, and then Brad lets Paulette feel up his face so she can get an idea of what he looks like. If I were a blind person and people told me to do that, I would totally stick my finger up their nose or something. I obviously need help. Brad has a small scar by his left eye from falling out of a tree as a kid. This also may or may not be vital. Anyway, Brad tells Paulette that he’s found a great place to practice piano, since he’s too poor to afford lessons: there’s a piano in an abandoned house…on Fear Street. This can only lead to very bad things.

At home, Paulette bangs her shin on her wastebasket in her bedroom. This is weird, since no furniture in the Fox house ever moves, because of Paulette’s blindness and all. Cindy comes over and freaks the hell out when she enters Paulette’s bedroom. Apparently someone has written “You will be dead, blind girl” on Paulette’s wall in red paint. Why would you WRITE THREATS ON A BLIND GIRL’S WALL? If you really want to threaten her, shouldn’t you, like, leave a creepy message on her answering machine? Or put rotten meat in her bed? Or anything but, you know, do something that is ENTIRELY DEPENDENT UPON SIGHT? Paulette convinces Cindy not to call the cops or tell Momma and Daddy Fox, because they already hover over her enough as it is. My mother-in-law calls this “helicopter parenting,” which is, like, the best description EVER. Cindy finally agrees, and she and Paulette clean up the wall.

The next morning, Paulette gives her dad the self-defense permission form to sign. At first they balk, but Paulette convinces them that it will be good for her. Boring, boring, boring. But we’re about to get some action, as on the way to school, a mysterious person follows Paulette to a crosswalk and then pushes her out into the street, where she is almost hit by a car. The woman driving the car gets out to fret over Paulette, and they are joined by none other than Brad Jones. Brad’s voice is all husky and weird, though, as he tries to convince Paulette that she just tripped over a big hole in the sidewalk. Then he says, “I think about you all the time. You think about me too, don’t you, Paulette?” Dude, now is neither the time nor the place.

At study hall in the library, Paulette is sitting with Cindy and Jonathan. We learn that Jonathan is fat. Fascinating. Brad comes in and asks Paulette if she’d like to hear him play after school. He says that he’s glad he ran into her because he’d been hoping to see her today, and Paulette says he saw her this morning. Brad is puzzled. Hmm…maybe the person who doesn’t sound at all like Brad is not Brad after all? COULD IT BE TRUE?

After school, Brad meets Paulette at Fear Street and helps her navigate the way to the abandoned house. There’s no electricity in the house, but the gas is still connected. This, like so many other things, may or may not be vital later. Paulette tickles the ivories of the piano for a bit and is impressed by its sound. Then Brad plays for her. He’s got natural talent, but he needs training. Paulette shows him some scales and exercises to help him improve his technique. Just as Brad’s about to thank her by planting a soft, dry kiss on her lips, they’re interrupted by a loud crash from upstairs. Brad runs upstairs to check it out, leaving Paulette alone downstairs listening to the mysterious footsteps and thuds from above. Suddenly the house falls silent, and Paulette decides that the best course of action is to go upstairs and look for Brad. Ah, the unending brilliance of high school girls. As she’s navigating her way up the stairs, someone grabs her…

…But it’s just Jonathan. (See what I did there? I attempted to replicate the cliffhanger chapter breaks with the use of ellipses and a new paragraph. Did it work? Were you on the edge of your seat in fear and anticipation?) He tells Paulette that she was about to “step on a missing stair.” Well, if it’s missing, then she wasn’t about to step on it, now, was she? Gawd. Jonathan admits that he followed Paulette here (STALKER), and then he goes upstairs to look for Brad. But there’s no one upstairs. Apparently Brad totes abandoned a blind girl in an abandoned house on Fear Street. What a prince! As Jonathan drives Paulette home, she eats a red herring sandwich and wonders if maybe he was the one fighting with Brad upstairs.

At school the next day, Paulette asks Brad what the hell was up with him leaving her alone in the house. His non-explanation is that “something came up” that he “had to take care of.” Then he tells her that he can’t see her anymore, and refuses to explain why. To make himself look even more batshit, he chokes out, “No! It’s no good! I can’t let this happen again!,” and then literally runs away from Paulette. Ohh. Kay.

That night, Paulette is watching — ummm, listening to — a horror movie with Cindy and Jonathan. Even though Paulette normally enjoys listening to movies, but tonight she’s all distracted by Brad’s weirdness. After the movie, she tells Cindy and Jonathan that Brad dumped her and then ran off. Jonathan tries to restrain his gloating. Paulette says that normally she enjoys being with Brad, but “sometimes … there is something different about him.” WE GET IT, STINE.

At the Fox house, Mr. and Mrs. Fox break the bad news that Grandma Fox fell and broke some ribs, so they’ll be spending a lot of time with her and therefore not getting home until very late most nights. How convenient for Paulette’s stalker. Paulette is later awakened from sleep by a weird scraping sound. She gets up to close her open window, and someone grabs her wrist. She screams and struggles, finally freeing herself and frightening off the intruder. Her parents come running in to see what all the girly screaming is about, and Paulette says that she just had a nightmare. Daddy Fox checks out the window and finds a man’s ring, which he hands to Paulette for inspection. She traces the initials … B.J. I’m torn on which joke to make here, so I shall present my options and let you choose your favorite:

• Someone is dropping an elaborate but none-too-subtle hint that he wants oral sex.
• Brian Jones has risen from the dead and is stalking a blind girl?
• If B.J. is here, then the Bear can’t be far behind!
• Heh. Blowjob, blowjob, blowjob.

So anyway, Paulette surmises that Brad was at her window trying to scare the shit out of her. Blah blah stalkercakes. She lies to her parents and says the ring belongs to her friend Bobby.

The next day, Paulette and her BFFs are at Pete’s Pizza. Do teenagers ever frequent non-pizza restaurants in these YA books? What’s wrong with a nice Chinese buffet? Jonathan tries lamely to cheer Paulette up, and then asks how long it’s been since Paulette last conversed with Brad. Paulette responds that, just last night, she and Mr. Jones were stumbling through the barrio, staring at the beautiful women…oh, wait, that’s a kickass ’90s song, not a sucktastic ’90s Fear Street book. The bottom line is that Paulette hasn’t heard that Brad dropped out of school. QUITTER. Just as Paulette is bathed in self-pity, the restaurant door slams and a “hoarse, rough voice” yells, “Everybody freeze! This is a holdup!” Oh, please let it be Ringo and Honey Bunny…but no, it’s just some lame dude in a mask with a gun.

Lame Dude in a Mask with a Gun demands that the waiter empty the cash register and then tells the restaurant patrons to drop all of their valuables in a bag. Paulette bends down and gropes under the table for her backpack, which freaks the LDIAMWAG out. Jonathan stands up to explain Paulette’s blindness to the LDIAMWAG, and promptly gets shot. Well, duh, dumbass. What did you expect? Luckily (?), Jonathan is still alive. LDIAMWAG continues collecting valuables from the customers, but then a couple of guys jump up to attack him. Billy, don’t be a hero. They rip off his mask, revealing the armed robber to be…

…COREY FELDMAN! No, that actually would have been way cooler than anything that ever happened in any Fear Street book, ever. And when Corey Feldman is cooler than anything that ever happened in your book series, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Like, to the point of suicide. Anyway, LDIAMWAG is Brad Jones. Yawn. He escapes.

The police arrive and send Jonathan in an ambulance to the hospital. He will, unfortunately, live. Far too few people are dying in this book. Then the cops begin to question the customers. Perhaps a better course of action would have been to, I don’t know, PURSUE THE ARMED ROBBER? One chicky says that the robber was Brad Jones, but Paulette mentally replays the robbery scene in her head and realizes that the LDIAMWAG didn’t sound or smell like Brad. Apparently the LDIAMWAG smelled like cinnamon. Yum! Paulette finally speaks up and says that the LDIAMWAG couldn’t have been Brad because his voice and scent weren’t right. Some people laugh at her, and the cops obviously don’t take her seriously. I have to side with Paulette here, though. I have a strong sense of smell, and I can often tell people by their scents. I know that’s weird, but hey, what can I say. I’m weird.

Later, Paulette and Cindy are at Cindy’s house waiting on news of Jonathan. Paulette feels like it’s her fault that Jonathan got shot. Paulette, honey, you can’t control your friends’ dumbass actions. Mrs. Maddox calls to let the girls know that Jonathan will be fine. Then Paulette starts up with her whole it-wasn’t-Brad theory, and Cindy loses her shit, screaming at Paulette that hell yes it was Brad who robbed Pete’s Pizza. Finally Cindy acquieses to helping Paulette find Brad to warn him of impending danger…OHMYGOD WILL SOMEONE DIE ALREADY BECAUSE THIS IS BORING. Cindy takes Paulette to the music academy, but Brad never showed up for work that day. This settles matters for Cindy, who says that Brad wasn’t at work “because he was out robbing Pete’s Pizza.”

Paulette does the sensible thing and breaks into Brad’s work locker. Inside are newspaper clippings about a string of armed robberies in Brad’s hometown. Brad was arrested for the robberies but released on bail, which he apparently jumped before…moving to Shadyside and starting high school there. WHAT THE FUCK, BRAD. Does the sentence “flee to a tropical island and enjoy life on the lam making girly drinks for tourists and walking around shirtless all day” mean nothing to you? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL IF YOU HAVE JUMPED BAIL? Also, I guess the Shadyside High personnel office doesn’t check student records too closely, huh? And where does this kid live, anyway? Does he have his own apartment? And why in the holy hell would he keep those incriminating clippings in his locker? Brad is a dumbass.

That night, the phone awakens Paulette. It’s Brad, calling to proclaim his innocence and warn Paulette to be careful. Blahblah establishing-dramatic-tension fail.

The next day, Mr. and Mrs. Fox leave to visit ol’ broken-ribs Grandma. Paulette stays behind to catch up on homework. But someone is in the backyard, and as Paulette tries to navigate her way to the house, she realizes that her familiar landmarks have been messed with. She eventually makes her way into the house and calls Cindy, who immediately comes over. After Cindy checks out the yard and house and declares everything clear, she turns on the TV, where a special news bulletin just happens to be in progress. Such a coincidence! Apparently there was another armed robbery, this time of a nearby convenience store, and police have released the name of the suspect: the local blind piano-playing teen, Paulette Fox! No, wait, that would actually be an exciting twist. The name of the suspect is actually Brad Jones. Paulette and Cindy are surprised by this, because they are dumb.

After Cindy leaves, the phone rings. It’s Brad, but weird-voiced Brad this time. Brad tells Paulette that he had an identical twin, Ed, who has always been jealous of Brad. Ed committed the crimes in Springfield, and now he has followed Brad to Shadyside to make more trouble for him. Ed needs a hobby. Might I recommend woodworking? Ed has fallen in lust with Paulette, which is why Brad broke it off with her — to protect her. Ed always committed the robberies. Now Ed has trapped Brad in the abandoned Fear Street house and has hurt him, and Brad is very weak and needs Paulette’s help.

Paulette realizes that, whenever she was talking to the husky-voiced-Brad, she was really talking to Ed. Apparently her epiphany does not extend to her most recent phone call, because she immediately hauls ass for the Fear Street house. She carefully navigates up the crumbling staircase and finds Brad lying on the floor. She wants to call a doctor and get the hell out, but Brad says that Ed hid the money and jewelry from the robberies in the house and is coming right back for them. Instead, Paulette needs to help Brad trap Ed. And…do what? Gah, this book is retarded. They hear Ed enter the house, and Brad knocks him out when he gets upstairs. Brad gives Paulette rope to tie up Ed, and she does so. After Ed is tied up, he regains consciousness and says that he’s Brad and the other guy is actually Ed. This has all the makings of a wacky ’80s sitcom. I can hear the theme song now:

I’m Brad! He’s Ed!
And he wants you dead!
Nuh-uh, I’m Brad!
You lie, you cad!
He pushed you in the street
And made you tie up my feet.
He smells like potpourri –
It’s me you love, not he!
It’s the Brad and Ed shoooooooooow!

I may need serious psychiatric help.

Anyway, Paulette remembers that Brad has a scar by his left eye, so she touches the standing twin’s face. No scar. So Brad is really Ed! And Ed is really Brad! It’s all one big misunderstanding. Insert canned studio laughter here. Ed realizes that Paulette knows the truth now, so in true dumb-villain fashion, he reveals all of his secrets. He then ties Paulette up as he rants and raves about how everyone always loves Brad, not Ed. Maybe because you’re a sociopath, Ed? I’m just throwing it out there. Then Ed turns on the gas in the house and prepares to make his escape.

But Paulette has A Great Plan. She calls out to Ed, begging him to take her with him. She says that all this time it was really Ed with whom she was in love. Brad doesn’t catch the snap and starts whining that Paulette’s upset and doesn’t know what she’s saying. SHUT UP, BRAD. Ed buys Paulette’s load of manure and unties her ankles, but since he still doesn’t entirely trust her, he leaves her hands tied. Because women of course have no lower-body strength whatsoever and cannot effectively attack someone using only their legs. Ed gives Paulette the flashlight and takes her into the room where he hid the money and jewelry. Then Paulette smashes the flashlight to even out the fight. Maybe she should have clocked Ed on the head with it? But that would make sense, so of course it can’t happen.

Paulette leads Ed to the top of the staircase, and her one lone self-defense class replays in her head. When Ed lunges at her, she uses his strength and momentum against him to throw him down the staircase. He falls with a “heavy thud.” Paulette runs back to Brad and frees him, and together they navigate down the rotted staircase. At the bottom is Ed, who is dead. Dead Ed. Outside the house, they hear sirens — a neighbor called the cops when he saw flashlights in the abandoned house. For once, having a nosy neighbor pays off. Brad turns to Paulette and says lamely, “I feel as if I’m finally coming out of the dark.” You know, because she’s blind, and…oh my god, whatever. It’s over. This goddamned horrible book is over.

—

I promise not to disappear for such a long time again. Until next time, don’t fall in love with an evil twin.

Do you see it? DO YOU SEE IT?

Now, I may be horribly mistaken, and Gemeni may be a completely acceptable spelling of Gemini. At first I thought that the ad was simply for Microsoft’s Romanian audience, but then why the English forms of Leo and Cancer? Can someone please help me out here? Does Microsoft need a copyeditor? Because I am totally available for freelance work.

As you can see, Pike focused solely on my paragraph about electromagnetism in my recap of Monster. Since the comment was posted publicly on this blog, I’m going to briefly respond to one particular sentence here, just to clarify a couple of things.

You need to study more modern physics before passing judgement on the science elements of my novel.

I get that Pike believes that magnets have an effect on the human body. A lot of people do. I personally don’t. And, believe it or not, I do know something about science and physics. My grandfather was a rocket engineer for NASA from the ’50s to the ’80s, and my dad is a chemical engineer. I was immersed in this shit growing up, and I have continued to study it throughout my life. My point in my recap was that, as someone with a Ph.D. in geology, Professor Alan Spark shouldn’t be espousing the belief that magnets affect humans, because it is not accepted by the scientific community. It would have been different had Angela received the magnet-theory information from a character outside of the mainstream scientific community.

Oh, and a random side note: my husband and I watched the new Star Trek movie on Friday (it was teh awesome), and we kept giggling whenever someone said Captain Pike’s full name, Christopher Pike.

You can get lost in the fog.
In the fog things can happen that no one sees.

Characters

• Christina Romney — Our Fearless Heroine; a 13-year-old island girl starting junior high on the mainland
• Anya Rothrock — island girl; senior in high school; dating Blake
• Benjamin “Benj” Jaye — island boy; in high school
• Michael Jaye — Benj’s younger brother; in junior high
• Dolly Jaye — Benj and Michael’s younger sister; Christina’s BFF
• Jonah Bergeron — Christina’s classmate; has a crush on Christina
• Blake Lathem — Anya’s boyfriend
• Arnold Shevvington — principal of mainland school; runs Schooner Inne with Mrs. Shevvington
• Candy Shevvington — English teacher at mainland school
• Miss Schuyler — math teacher

Damn, there are a lot of characters in this book. And a lot of stuff going on in only 218 pages. A lot of creepy stuff. I’m taking Alana’s advice and breaking the recap up into parts, so as not to overwhelm you fine people with a 20,000-word post. A word of caution: I really got into this book, to an almost embarrassing degree. I swear, Caroline B. Cooney has cast some sort of voodoo spell on me, because I cannot get enough of her lately. Embarrassing much?

Alright, on with Part I of the recap.

It’s the last week before school starts, and OFH Christina Romney is packing up. Christina lives on Burning Fog Isle, “Maine’s most famous, most beautiful island.” Burning Fog is a totes fictonal island, of course; I guess Ms. Cooney thought the name sounded more poetic than some of Maine’s real islands, like Cow Island, Squirrel Island, and (my personal favorite) Smuttynose Island. Only 300 people live on Burning Fog Isle year-round, so once the young’uns finish sixth grade, they get shipped off to the mainland for junior and senior high. We learn that Christina has tri-colored hair: dark brown streaked with silver and gold. Hmm…sounds like another young fictional heroine I know.

Going to the mainland with Christina are two brothers, Benjamin and Michael Jaye (a sophomore and a freshman respectively), and Anya Rothrock, who will be a senior. The kids will be boarding at Schooner Inne, a former sea captain’s house that has been converted into a bed and breakfast and is now owned by the high school principal Mr. Shevvington and his wife. Anya is all fidgety and weird, talking about how the sea captain’s wife killed herself. Christina’s just worried that she won’t fit in, because she’s heard that mainland kids tend to be cruel to the island kids. OK, if we delete the words “mainland” and “island” from that sentence, it would still be totally true. Teenagers are evil, yo.

Before the kids leave for the mainland, they decide to buy posters from the souvenir shop, which is run by a really creepy old woman. Creepy Old Woman hands a poster tube to Anya, saying it’s the perfect poster for her. DON’T TAKE THE POSTER, ANYA. For god’s sake, don’t these kids ever read YA horror? To be fair, Anya and Christina both try to resist the poster, but COW insists. Safely away from COW, Christina unveils the poster — it’s of “the sea at its cruelest.” This book may be called The Fog (or just plain Fog, depending on which version you have), but it’s really more The Sea. Or, to be more precise, The Sea Craves Human Sacrifices and Will Hunt You Down and Kill You in Your Sleep. This is why I’ve always preferred the Pacific to the Atlantic, my friends. There are “blurry figures” beneath the water’s surface in the poster, which Anya claims are “the bodies of the drowned,” and their fingers are “scrabbling at the surface.” Cree. Pee. Christina throws the poster to the ground (good call!) but then picks it up again (bad call!).

The fog is thick on the day the kids leave. We learn why Burning Fog Isle got its name: apparently a “trick of the atmosphere” (thanks for the super-detailed scientific explanation, Ms. Cooney) occasionally causes the sun shining through the fog to look like fire. As the kids are boarding Frankie’s boat to the mainland, Dolly Jaye (Benj and Michael’s little sis, and Christina’s BFF) cries at the unfairness of it all. Dolly, I have the wisdom of having read this book, so I feel secure in saying this: consider yourself lucky. We’re treated to an amusing little back story: when Dolly was only four weeks old, Mrs. Jaye let the island’s Christmas pageant use her (Dolly) as Baby Jesus, where “a ten-year-old Mary dropped Dolly headfirst into the manger.” Luckily, Dolly suffered no ill effects. I love this part, because it’s totally the kind of random bit of trivia that a small community like Burning Fog Isle would use in defining one of its own. Dolly gives Christina a package of blank cassette tapes for Christina to use as an audio diary - Dolly will be doing the same on her end, and the friends will exchange their tapes via Frankie. These days the girls would keep in touch via podcast, or maybe Facebook (status: Christina Romney is trying to avoid being attacked by an anthropomorphic sea!). While boarding, Anya accidentally knocks into Christina, causing the package of tapes to fall overboard into the water. Foreshadowing FTW!

On the mainland, we are introduced from afar to Schooner Inne, perched atop Candle Cove. Christina notes that “tide at Candle Cove was twenty-eight feet.” Sweet Baby Jesus headfirst into a manger! My primary ocean-living experience was when I lived on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific, where the highest point on the island is about 20 feet. I can’t imagine a 28-foot high tide. I did some Googling and learned that the highest tides on Earth are in Nova Scotia’s Minas Basin, where the high tides can reach up to 52 feet. I am in love with the ocean, and like any sane person who loves the ocean and has
spent much time in and around it, I am also terrified of it. I would literally shit myself lifeless if confronted with a 52-foot high tide. Note to self: Avoid Minas Basin AT ALL COSTS.

Where was I? Oh yeah…Schooner Inne. That superfluous “e” is killing me, by the way. Christina thinks that “nobody in his right mind would build on Candle Cove.” Sounds like a lovely spot for a B&B business, eh? What does their brochure say? Come get swept away at Schooner Inne. No, we mean that literally. You will be sucked into the Atlantic and die. Ask us about our honeymoon specials!

Just as the kids are getting tired of waiting around to be picked up, Mrs. Shevvington arrives. This is where the creepy tinkly-piano music would pick up, were this a movie. Mrs. Shevvington is described as “a large thick post with hair on top.” Say what you will about Caroline B. Cooney, but she can sure as hell paint a picture in very few words. Ugly, shapeless Mrs. Shevvington starts in immediately with her house rules, such as no bickering, no dillydallying, and no “sloppy thinking or acting.” Gee, I wonder why Mr. and Mrs. Shevvington are childless? She’s irritated at the amount of luggage that the kids have brought with them, claiming that she doesn’t know where she’ll store their “old tattered suitcases.” What, so they should have packed nine months worth of clothes and belongings into one suitcase each? Bitch. Christina’s not having it. She points out that the Shevvingtons own an inn(e), for fuck’s sake, and therefore should have plenty of storage space. Christina is awesome, and only grows awesomer as the book goes on.

Mrs. Shevvington makes the kids walk up a steep, unterraced hill (uncreatively called Breakneck Hill) with their luggage. Again…bitch. Michael points out a man in a brown wet suit walking in the mud by the channel. They all pause to watch Brown Wet Suit as the tide starts creeping in. Benj runs to the cliff edge and yells at BWS to get the hell away from the water. As the tide comes rushing into the cove, BWS starts climbing a ladder on the cliffside, and he just barely beats the tide to the top. By the way, BWS will pop up several times throughout the book, so don’t think you’ve seen the last of this dumbass.

At the inn(e), Christina is entranced by the cupola. She’s disappointed to learn from Mrs. Shevvington that the cupola has no floor and is forbidden to the kids. Mrs. Shevvington gives the kids a pseudo-tour of the inn(e), which basically consists of her telling them how expensive and historic everything is, and how the kids aren’t allowed to go in most of the rooms because they’re for paying guests only. I get the impression that Mrs. Shevvington hates children. I don’t like children, either, but then again I don’t teach at a school or let children board in my house. I do what normal people who don’t care for children do: avoid them at all costs. Not good old Mrs. S., though. I mean, I know she and her husband have ulterior motives (SPOILER ALERT), but maybe they’d just be happier if they surrounded themselves with adults instead.

The kids are allowed the use of an ugly kitchen and a very sad, dark little room with a tiny black-and-white TV and “a worn stack of last year’s magazines.” Heh. Even my doctors’ offices have magazines from the current year. Christina, who “ha[s] never made a habit of staying silent,” is poised to go the fuck off on Mrs. Shevvington, when suddenly Mr. Shevvington enters the room. He’s handsome and well-dressed, and he smiles at all of the kids and condescends about what good little children they are. He says to his wife, “Candy, we’re going to enjoy Christina, aren’t we?” OK, this would be my cue to get the hell out, because adults only say that when they’re planning to cook and eat children. Or, even worse, try to indoctrinate them into a fundamentalist religious sect.

Mr. Shevvington tells Anya that he and the Mrs. expect great things from Anya this year, and Anya says emotionally, “I’ll do anything you say.” GAAAHHH CREEPY TO THE MAX. Christina’s not impressed. She may be the first protagonist to truly deserve the previously-only-meant-ironically moniker of “Our Fearless Heroine.” Christina likens Anya to “a puppy in a litter, wagging a tail for [Mr. Shevvington].”

The kids’ bedrooms are on the third floor. Do I even have to tell you that they’re crappy? Benj and Michael don’t care, because they’re boys. Anya’s just relieved that the rooms aren’t as horrible as the bedroom she had last year when boarding on the mainland. Christina basically thinks the rooms are equivalent to child abuse. Wait until you experience the wonders of the college dorm room, Chris. The girls hear the tide, and Anya says that it sounds like “somebody puffing out birthday candles.” An interesting simile. They look out the window and see Brown Wet Suit standing on the opposite cliff of the cove. BWS waves at them. Anya points out a package in the water, and says to Christina that it’s her present from Dolly: “The ocean knows where you are. It followed us here.” Ms. Cooney makes a point of telling us that Anya “laughed madly,” but I could have figured out that part on my own. Anya has lost her goddamn mind, yo.

Lunch is red flannel hash with poached eggs. What the hell? I am a Southern girl and know not of these strange Yankee foods. Hash to us is either hash browns or, in some Southern states, barbecue pork over rice. So I Googled “red flannel hash,” and it doesn’t sound too horrible, except for the corned beef. I must say, though, that “red flannel hash” would be a good name for a variety of pot grown in Seattle. Anyway, where was I? Christina can’t eat the hash and eggs without wanting to vomit, and she can’t drink the whole milk that she’s served either. I’m with you, sister. Like me, Christina drinks only skim milk. She asks Mrs. Shevvington if she can make a sandwich instead, and Mrs. Shevvington shoots her down. Christina presses on, saying that she doesn’t like “corned beef and poached eggs.” I think I would get along well with Christina. We could eat peanut butter sandwiches and drink skim milk, and then push Mrs. Shevvington off a cliff. Mrs. Shevvington tells Christina that, as a poor uncultured island girl, one of her tasks on the mainland is to “learn civilized behavior.” If I were Christina, I would just eat the damn hash and eggs, and then projectile vomit all over Mrs. Shevvington. But then, I’m passive-aggressive like that.

That afternoon is spent unpacking. Anya is very neat and organized. Christina doesn’t see the point in being neat. Another reason why Christina and I are obviously soulmates. Anya notices that the poster of the sea is up on the wall, but neither she nor Christina put it there. Cue the tinkly-piano music o’ doom! Anya says she can hear “them” calling to her. “They” are obviously the poor drowned people that Anya saw in the poster. Anya goes into a weird trance, reaching for the ceiling, talking about fingers. Fortunately the weirdness is broken when Benj and Michael come running into the girls’ room and pounce on them. No, there’s no hot teenage foursome, just some pillow-fighting and wrestling.

That night, Anya and Christina are awakened by the tide rushing in. It starts with a strange slushing noise, then increases to a cacophony of furious sounds. After it quiets, Anya says that now “you can hear the voices of the drowned.” Anya needs some serious medication. She then tells Christina,

The sea keeps count. The sea is a mathematician. The sea wants one of us.

The idea of the sea as a mathematician cracks my shit up. Mathematicians are, like, the least scary people in the world. Anya’s basically saying that the sea is logical and geeky and maybe a bit obsessed with Hodge cycles, and it probably likes to tell really lame jokes about logs and adders. In short, the sea is my dad.

And with that bit of lunacy from Anya, I shall conclude Part I of my recap. We will open Part II with the kids’ first day of school on the mainland.

——

By the way, I almost titled this post “The Fog will be coming in on little cat’s feet soon,” but then I double-checked the poem and discovered that it actually says, “The fog comes on little cat’s feet.” And, well, that just sounds dirty.

1) What author do you own the most books by?
Well, right now probably Christopher Pike. But on a normal day, I’m sure it would be Terry Pratchett.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?
Probably either L.J. Smith’s Vampire Diaries series or Peter S. Beagle’s The Last Unicorn.

3) Did it bother you that both of those questions ended with prepositions?
A little bit, but they would probably be too awkward if constructed another way.

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

• Damon Salvatore from the aforementioned Vampire Diaries
• Serge Storms from Tim Dorsey’s novels
• Special Agent Aloysius Pendergast from Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child’s novels

4a) What fictional character would you most like to be?
Does Buffy the Vampire Slayer count?

4b) What fictional character do you think most resembles you?
Oh, hell, I have no idea. Maybe Katherina from Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. Heh.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life?
The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle.

7) What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year?
Road to Nowhere by Christopher Pike.

8.) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?
So far, the book that I enjoyed the most was The Mental Floss History of the World. I also loved David Grann’s The Lost City of Z, but I listened to the audiobook rather than read it — does it still count?

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
The Last Unicorn.

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for literature?
Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
Tim Dorsey’s Triggerfish Twist, directed by Quentin Tarantino.

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters. Because I cannot imagine how that would work.

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
About 7 years ago, I had a dream that the Vampire Diaries was turned into a TV series. I am, apparently, psychic.

14) What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult?
Oh, wow, are you kidding me? I thrive on lowbrow books. I read R.L. Stine, for god’s sake.

15) What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?
Difficult how? If by “difficult” you mean sheer concentration and energy required to process the book, then I’d have to say Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49. If “difficult” means that I found it annoying and/or boring and struggled to get through it, then it’s definitely The Beans of Egypt, Maine by Carolyn Chute. And if “difficult” means that I absolutely couldn’t finish it because it affected me on a visceral level that I cannot fully explain, then American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?
I saw Twelfth Night performed at the Globe in London, by an all-male cast (just like in the Elizabethan era, but with better undergarments).

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
The Russians, definitely. I mean, dude, they gave us Vladimir Nabokov! The French, meanwhile, gave us Gustave Flaubert, who wrote the bane of my literary existence, Madame Bovary. Boo, French. (Although I do like saying “Balzac.”)

18) Roth or Updike?
John Updike.

19) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
David Sedaris all the way, baby! He is absolutely hilarious and wonderful. Dave Eggers is far too hipster/pretentious/precious for me.

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Well, hell, I can’t choose between these guys. I love them all. I guess, if you forced me to decide, I’d have to go with Shakespeare.

21) Austen or Eliot?
I’m assuming that this is George Eliot, not T.S. Eliot, due to the pairing with Austen. And this one’s easy, since I loathe Jane Austen. (Yes, I said it. I HATE JANE AUSTEN.)

22) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
I’m not sure what this question means, exactly, so I’m just going to answer by telling you some great classics that I hate and/or won’t read. Besides Jane Austen, I also hate Charles Dickens. I hate The Catcher in the Rye. I want to beat Jack Kerouac in the face with an unabridged dictionary for subjecting me to the snorefest that is On the Road. I refuse to have anything to do with Ayn Rand.

23) What is your favorite novel?
The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle.

24) Play?
Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night Dream (the laborers’ staging of “Pyramus and Thisbe” cracks me up every time) and Sophocles’ Oedipus the King.

25) Poem?
William Blake’s “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell.”

26) Essay?
Mark Twain’s “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses” never fails to delight me. Also, for sheer weirdness, not much can beat William James’s “Subjective Effects of Nitrous Oxide” — which is especially notable for his transcriptions of thoughts and speech while under the influence of the titular gas.

27) Short story?
Gotta be Mark Twain: either “The Diaries of Adam and Eve” or “Letters from the Earth.”

28) Work of non-fiction?
And the Sea Will Tell by Vincent Bugliosi.

29) Who is your favorite writer?
William Blake.

30) Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
Pretty much all of those lit-fic hipster authors. Also Dave Eggers, who is a hipster essayist.

31) What is your desert island book?
Besides my favorite novel of all time? Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita.

32) And … what are you reading right now?
I always have at least two books going at the same time. Right now…

• Fog by Caroline B. Cooney
• Bubbles Ablaze by Sarah Strohemeyer
• Under the Bridge by Rebecca Godfrey

This is Lola (aka LoLo, or The Lo) one of my husband’s and my six cats. (Yes, six. Three girls and three boys, just like a little furry Brady Bunch.) Do not be deceived by the cuteness radiating off of this photo: LoLo rules the house with an iron paw and takes no prisoners. She is especially fond of chewing on paper products. Cardboard boxes and book covers are among her favorite prey.

A few days ago, my husband and I were sitting on the floor playing Scrabble, because doesn’t everyone sit on the floor to play board games? We heard the familiar sound of paper being chomped by sharp little kitty teeth, and I looked behind me to see LoLo chewing on the cover of a paperback of which I’m particularly fond. I didn’t want to completely spoil her fun, so I rummaged around in my YA book bin and pulled out Die Softly, which I offered to LoLo as a replacement chew toy. Which prompted my husband to say, “FEED HER THE CHRISTOPER PIKE.”

In short, this blog is now invading my home life.