Unleashing My Inner Teenager

Part I is here. If you don’t feel like reading, let me recap: Everyone in this book sucks and needs to die, except maybe Rene, who might only need to be maimed. There, now you’re all caught up. You’re welcome.

—

Teresa, Free, and Poppy stop at an AM PM Mart. Poppy needs to go to the bathroom (TMI, Poppy), and Free says he’ll go with her because he wants to change out of his damp clothes. Would that not have been a better move, oh, five hundred hours ago when Teresa first picked them up? Poppy wants a new lighter and peanuts, and Free wants beer. Teresa doesn’t want to try to purchase beer, but Free insists. Teresa totally doesn’t even try, and I love her a little bit for that. Her left wrist is aching. Oh, the foreshadowing. It makes my scalp itch.

Back at the car, Free asks Teresa if she bought beer. She says no, and he asks if she even tried. God, Free, give it a rest. The girl doesn’t want to try to buy your stupid beer. Free’s headed back into the store, and Poppy tries to stop him. He goes anyway. While he’s inside, probably pistol-whipping the poor woman working the counter, Poppy tries to find out why Teresa’s running away from home. Teresa swears that she’s not running away. Then she accuses Poppy of being all bitchy to her because she’s jealous of Teresa. Any warm and fuzzy feelings I was having for Teresa quickly dissipate. Also, Poppy refers to Free as “Jack,” a name that he hates. Free returns to the car with his beer, and he’s sweaty and out of breath. Yuck. He’s all flirty with Teresa as they drive away, and he asks for the thrilling conclusion of her story about Bill. I stifle a yawn as Teresa begins.

Teresa’s Story, Part 3
Teresa’s having a bad second show at the club. During her first act, she breaks a guitar string and sings off-key. But she opens the second act strong, with a new song called “You.” Teresa knows that this song is “the best thing she had ever composed.” I’m not doubting that, but it doesn’t mean that the song is actually any good. Here, I’ll let you judge for yourself.

You’re so good.
You’re so bad.
You came to where I stood.
Made it all seem so sad.
Yeah, I stood under the lonely tree.
Felt the night sink over me.
Lost you.
Why?
Because of you.
You.

Stay, go — you’ve stolen my home.
Stay, leave — I’m begging you please.
Love is the word you would never say.
Love.
Please say.
That you’ll stay.

Well, I’m convinced that she’s a musical prodigy — what about you guys? Of course “the applause was thunderous.” I feel sorry for these poor people in the audience, as they have apparently never been exposed to good music, ever. Teresa, Rene, and Bill all ride back together, and Rene and Bill are very chatty with each other. Teresa proposes a double date for Saturday night; she’s going to fix Rene up with Alfred “Alf” Morrell, who is “not really Rene’s type.” She talks Rene up to Alf by promising him that Rene is “horny as hell.” Teresa is a shitty friend. She sort of deserves what she’s going to get.

Teresa makes a reservation at a “high-priced hotel in San Diego” for her and Bill’s romantic weekend escape. She buys sponges in preparation for the big virginity-losing extravaganza, because she’s heard that guys don’t like condoms.

The double date does not go well. At dinner, Alf isn’t really able to join the conversation, because he only knows about football, and Bill, Rene, and Teresa are such friggin’ brainiacs. *cough* Poor Alf asks Bill if the sun “burn[s] as bright” when it’s on “the other side of the earth,” and instead of answering Alf’s question, Bill just stares at him with contempt like the arrogant asshole that he is. On the way to the movies, Bill gets pulled over by a cop and ticketed for making an illegal U-turn. This prompts him to bitch and swear and say that all the cops in their town are losers. Alf gently disagrees. After Bill rages for a few more minutes, we learn that Alf’s dad is a cop. Alf is being very calm and polite, so Bill naturally responds by being a complete dickhead. He asks Alf what the hell he knows, and does he even have any interests besides football? Alf says he likes baseball and basketball, too, which is sort of cute. Bill basically laughs in his face. Bill, you are a bastard.

Bill pulls the car over to the side of the road and asks Rene if she’s having fun. She says that she’s “all right.” Bill asks Alf the same question. Alf replies, “I’d like to. But I seem to be annoying you, which makes me uncomfortable.” Alf has such class. Bill decides unilaterally to cancel the double date, and heads back to Teresa’s apartment. Rene and Alf decide to go on to the movies by themselves. In Teresa’s apartment, Bill pisses and moans about Rene and Alf being total opposites. Teresa tells him about the reservations she made for their romantic weekend, and he’s not thrilled. She finds out that he and Rene have been talking on the phone. And suddenly a light bulb goes off over Teresa’s big-nosed head.

Yes, Bill and Rene have fallen in love. No, they haven’t had sex…yet. As Teresa’s sobbing, Rene comes to the door, saying that Alf decided to walk home and she needs Bill to help her fix a flat tire. I mean, she needs Bill to help her “fix” a “flat” “tire.” She sees that Teresa is crying, and she knows that Bill’s told her. Teresa tells the cheating bastards to GTFO.

Aaaaand we’re back in the car with Teresa, Free, and Poppy. Free thinks Bill and Rene deserve to die, and asks if Teresa killed them. Poppy says she thinks there’s more to Teresa’s story. Teresa says her confrontation with Bill and Rene happened just a few hours ago, so there isn’t really much more to say. Free accuses Poppy of not caring about Teresa, and Poppy says that actually she cares a lot about Teresa. She tells Teresa that Bill and Rene are still her friends. Poppy is probably the type of friend who would give you twenty boring-but-logical reasons not to buy the Prada purse you’ve been lusting after for months. I much prefer the type of friend who will happily “squeee” with you over the purchase. Poppy says, “Leaving someone can be as hard as being left,” which is true, but so not what Teresa wants to hear.

They drive on towards Free’s mom’s place. Free naps, and Poppy is silent in the backseat. Teresa’s beginning to feel like total shit. She’s nauseated and shaky, and her left wrist is throbbing. After an hour of driving, they come to Momma Free’s driveway. Poppy says that she’s not going inside, and that Teresa won’t, either, if she has any sense. Like Teresa is going to take advice from the chick who just told her not to be mad at Bill and Rene. Momma Free’s house is creepy and gross, as is Momma Free herself. Momma Free tells her some vague b.s. that could apply to a ton of people. The only thing she says that is really specific to Teresa is that Teresa is musically gifted: she “can write poetry and prose, play instruments, and sing like a goddess.” Are goddesses known for their great singing voices? Also, it sucks that even the creepy witch-hag-psychic lady is deluded into thinking that Teresa has songwriting talent.

Teresa is convinced that Momma Free has seen directly into her soul. She asks Momma Free why Bill wanted Rene instead of her. Momma Free replies that it’s because Teresa “scared” Bill by being unpredictable and difficult to understand. This makes little to no sense. I have seen no evidence that Teresa is either complex or frighteningly unpredictable. Momma Free says that Teresa is “scared to be alone,” which again — so are a lot of people. She says that Teresa doesn’t really want love, she “want[s] adoration, and that’s cheap.” True, but…COME ON. Teresa’s a teenage girl. Does anyone truly expect her to know the difference between love and adoration? Aren’t most teenagers self-centered enough to desire adoration? How is this such a crippling character flaw?

Momma Free goes on to explain why Bill never slept with Teresa:

When you have sex with someone you become wedded to that person, and Bill was afraid to be wedded to you, Teresa. He was afraid of where you were going.

This makes no goddamn sense. First of all, jeezus beezus, screwing someone =/= wedded to someone. Quit giving teens unrealistic expectations of sex, Pike. And there’s that “afraid of where [Teresa is] going” bullshit again. I think Teresa’s fairly easy to read: she loves music, wants to bang her boyfriend, and doesn’t have many friends. She’s not exactly mysterious, guys.

Teresa’s pissed and storms out of the room. Free comforts her. They have sex. Teresa enjoys herself, because she is a cheap whore who only wants adoration and is therefore damned. Only cheap whores enjoy sex outside of a committed, loving relationship. God, Pike, SHUT UP ALREADY. After the sexin’, Free and Teresa rejoin Poppy in the car, and Poppy picks up Candy’s story.

John and Candy, Part 4
Candy can’t get a job because baby Johnny needs so much attention, so she stays on welfare until  Johnny is old enough to be left with a sitter. Then she starts waitressing and attending night classes for a nursing program. By the time Johnny starts kindergarten, she is an R.N. and making a good living for herself and her kid. See, John, THIS is how you overcome adversity like a mature human being. On a trip home to visit her parents, she meets a custodian named Clyde, who follows her back to Oregon. Creeeee-peee. He persuades her to move back to L.A. Clyde’s actually an OK guy, but of course Candy doesn’t love him like she loved John. *sigh* One night, Candy goes to an all-night mini-mart for a carton of cigarettes. Inside, a guy is holding up the store, with a gun pointed at the owner’s head. That shining example of humanity is none other than her long-lost love, John.

In the present, Free interrupts Poppy. He wants to tell about the holdup, because Poppy will get it wrong and give Teresa the wrong idea.

John and Candy, Part 5
John’s heroin habit is now costing him $500 a day. Yee-eahh. A gram of heroin costs about $300 today, and serious junkies typically use about 500 milligrams per day. $500 in 1993 translates to $750 today (~2.5 grams of heroin). So, in one day, John is apparently shooting up enough horse to reanimate John Belushi and then kill him again, about three times over. I would urge Pike to do better research for his books, but probably he would prefer not to go hang out at his local methadone clinic.

Anyway, John gets hepatitis from a dirty needle and winds up in the hospital. Of course he can’t get any heroin in the hospital, so he’s not happy. He’s in sooooo much pain from his three-fingered hand, “and it wasn’t his fault.” Except that, ZOMG, it TOTALLY WAS HIS FAULT. If he hadn’t punched the teacher, he wouldn’t have gone to juvie and he could have gone to Berkeley. If he had just gone to a junior college, he wouldn’t have been working at the bakery. If he hadn’t tried to humiliate his boss at the bakery, he wouldn’t have gotten assigned to hot dog machine duty. And if he hadn’t been dicking around like a smug bastard with the hot dog machine, he wouldn’t have lost his fingers. EVERY SINGLE THING. JOHN’S FAULT.

One night in the hospital, John is wandering around by the nurse’s station when he sees a young man and a little boy, and the boy runs to one of the nurses yelling “Mommy.” Is anyone surprised that the nurse is Candy? Because L.A. is a very small town. Candy sees John but doesn’t recognize him. He’s all butthurt, so he leaves the hospital without checking out. John has nothing left now, not even the pleasant memories of him and Candy in high school. And — this is rich — he “blame[s] her for not waiting for him.” DIE JOHN DIE. He goes to his dealer, but he doesn’t have any money. Did he except the guy to give him the shit on credit? To get money for drugs, he decides to rob a convenience store. I think this is supposed to be a tense part of the book, but I’m yawning inside.

John tries to buy beer, and the store owner asks to see his ID. Ah, can’t you just taste the parallelism? John acts like he’s reaching for his license, but he pulls his gun instead. And then Candy walks in. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES. John shoots some liquor bottles, I guess just to be macho? Candy tries to talk John down, and he’s bitter and hateful to her. They’re interrupted by sirens. John tries to run, but the cops have him cornered. So John does the only rational thing left for him: he grabs Candy and shields himself with her, pointing his gun at her head and telling the cops he’ll kill her if they don’t drop their guns. I can see why Candy never got over John. He’s a prince. Here is further proof of how fucking insane John is:

[He wanted] just a moment to talk to Candy. He had a gun to her head, true, but right then he imagined a talk might be nice.

I think (HOPE) that Pike is being funny here, and it works…John’s absolute batshit thought process is pretty amusing. Candy speaks up and says she has to tell John something, but she never gets the chance. One of the cops shoots John in the neck. As he’s lying on the floor dying, John raises his gun and shoots Candy in the chest. Oh, John. The cop blows John’s brains out, literally.

Back in the present, Teresa is understandably shocked at how the John and Candy Saga ended. Nobody talks much after that. Teresa is feeling even sicker, and has to pull over a few times to puke. Eventually Poppy speaks up and says that they’re almost at her dad’s place. Teresa’s not pleased and doesn’t want to stop. Poppy points out that there haven’t been many cars coming from the other direction, so the northbound roads may be closed. Teresa starts thinking about how she’s only seen a couple of cars during this entire trip. Spoooooky. Also…seriously, Pike? The NORTH-bound roads are closed? You’re about as subtle with your metaphors as C.S. Lewis was.

Teresa eventually decides to stop. Poppy and Teresa get out of the car, but not before Free solemnly tells Teresa that he’s going to need a favor from her soon. Teresa is in lust with Free, so she says she’ll do anything for him. Stupid, stupid Teresa.

Poppy warns Teresa not to talk to anyone inside the church except for Poppy and her father. In the church, Mass is in progress. Poppy leads Teresa to the confession booth. Pike is slightly obsessed with confession booths, no? Poppy tells Teresa to “be an open book” whilst confessing to Father Corn. I just now realized that Teresa is most likely named for Saint Teresa of Avila, who was quite the flirty young woman before becoming a nun, and who once awesomely said, “May God protect me from gloomy saints.”

In the Booth O’ Confessin’, Father Corn senses a lot of pain in Teresa, so she decides to tell him all about Bill and Rene. She admits that she saw them in bed together. Father Corn urges her to tell him about it because she has to “feel [her] pain before [she] can offer it to the divine.” Oh, come off your high horse, Father C. You just want to watch Teresa suffer. You Catholics and your constant suffering!

Thus begins a flashback to a few hours ago, in which Teresa slips a steak knife into her back pocket (that seems awfully dangerous) and drives to Bill’s house. Rene’s car is parked there, but Teresa doesn’t get the hint. She uses the spare key that Bill gave her to bust all up in there, and finds Bill and Rene sleeping on the family room floor. Are there no beds or sofas in the house? I guess sleeping on the floor by the fireplace seems all romantic when you’re a teenager, but when you get older and experience the joys of lower back pain, it’s not so hot. Teresa takes the knife out of her pocket and visualizes killing Rene and Bill.

Father Corn interrupts her to ask what happened next. Well, Mr. Patience, she was getting there before you butted in. Jeez. Teresa says she “came to [her] senses,” dropped the knife, and ran out of the house. She went back to her apartment and packed an overnight bag, and that’s where Chapter One found her. Father Corn asks her if she’s “running away from home,” and even though Teresa’s been denying it every time Free or Poppy ask her, she finally admits that yes, she is. Well, no shit. What else would you call a teenage girl leaving her house with no real plan or destination in mind, randomly heading north? Father Corn tells her that she’s “going nowhere,” and that she’s “in trouble.” Father Corn asks her if she’s sure she dropped the knife. OH MY GOD CAN WE JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT. Teresa says yes, and Father Corn’s all big-heavy-sigh and starts babbling about denial. Teresa gets frustrated and leaves. Poppy chases after her to the car.

Back on the road again. Free wants to stop at a great little place. It’s a mini-mart. If you can’t see what’s coming, then I can’t help you. At the mini-mart, Free decides to call in his favor from Teresa. He asks her to get the knife out of her back pocket. She’s all, But I dropped the kni — ZOMG what is this in my pocket?!! Inside the mini-mart, Free pulls a gun on the cashier and asks for all of his money. A young woman who looks like Poppy walks in, and Free tells Teresa to “cover her.” Teresa gets behind the woman and puts the knife to her neck. They hear sirens, and Free says, “Not again.” Oh my, Pike, what are you trying to hint at here? I am on the edge of my seat waiting for your thrilling twist that I absolutely have not seen coming for the past 160 pages. Free says that they’ll have to make a run for it, and they can’t leave any witnesses. He shoots the cashier in the face. Ouch. Teresa slits the woman’s throat but doesn’t kill her, so Free finishes the woman off with the gun. Free tells Teresa that she’s “passed [her] test,” and they run to the car. Free drives.

They pull off the freeway and drive into a residential neighborhood, where they go into an apartment. A very familiar apartment. Teresa can hear water running in the bathroom. Free pops a VHS tape into the VCR. Aw, do you guys remember VHS? Those were the days. The tape shows Teresa getting into her car earlier that night. Free puts a bag on the floor and unzips it. It’s a body bag. I’m ready to climb into it for a nice reprieve from this damn book. Teresa rewinds the tape to a point where she’s “taking a bath. Naked.” Thanks for clarifying that, Pike. Because I don’t know about you guys, but I typically take my baths fully clothed. On the tape, Teresa picks up a knife and “cut[s] a deep gash across her left wrist.” She doesn’t bother cutting the right, as she has all night to die. Um, Teresa? Cutting your wrists horizontally is horribly ineffective: that artery you’re aiming for is buried deep and is easier to severe with a long vertical cut along the underside of the forearm. Plus, you’re further reducing your chances of a successful attempt by cutting only one wrist. Chances are you’re just going to wind up fucking up some tendons and having an ugly scar…oh, and being all embarrassed when your parents come home and find out. In other words…

But anatomy and physiology are apparently not Pike’s strong suits, so our dear Teresa is near death. And — are you ready for this?? — Poppy reveals that she is actually Candy and Free is actually John. ZOMG DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND!!?! Helen Keller could have seen that coming. Poppy explains that Free was here to tempt Teresa, what with all the sexin’ and the story from John’s POV, while Poppy was there to help through Candy’s story and by trying to encourage Teresa to give peace a chance. But Teresa didn’t want Poppy’s help; she was more interested in John’s story and Free’s hawt body. What happens if you don’t choose either side? Do you just get to stay in limbo forever? ‘Cause it might be fun to have the entire California freeway system all to yourself for eternity.

Poppy explains to Teresa that she’s currently in “the realm between the living and the dead,” where she’s able to make choices affecting her final outcome. Why the hell does Teresa get to choose, anyway? What about all the other people who commit suicide? Are they not special enough to get a second chance? I guess maybe they don’t matter because their deaths wouldn’t deprive the world of awesome songwriting skillz like Teresa’s death would. Poppy accuses Free of lying about John, because John ran from Candy, not the other way around. She points out that John was responsible for almost all of his problems, and that no single event that happened to him was the end of his world until he MADE it that way. THANK YOU. She gives Free down the road about how John was weak, and felt sorry for himself, and played the victim. I’m starting to love Poppy a little bit. Free accuses her of not knowing what true suffering is, and Poppy responds that she DID suffer in her life, a lot, but she cowboyed up and got through her problems. This whole exchange is actually quite awesome, and delivers a very good message, so good on you for that, Pike.

Poppy tells Free that John didn’t kill Candy; the cop shot Candy while trying to shoot John. When Candy fell dying to the floor, John abandoned his gun to hold her, leaving himself open to being fatally shot. Poppy tells Free that he’s “not such a bad guy.” OMG POPPY NOOOOOOOO. Don’t go down that dark road, right back into the arms of your abuser. She still loves him. Free admits that he still loves her, too. I guess this is supposed to be about redemption and shit, but how exactly has Free redeemed himself? By holding Candy when she was dying — AFTER USING HER AS A HUMAN SHIELD? By telling Poppy that he loves her? I guess your life actions don’t matter one fucking bit as long as you say you’re sorry at the very end. Poppy confirms my suspicion by telling Teresa,

You ran from your mistakes. But had you stayed [with the priest], you would have heard that all mistakes are forgiven if you offer them to the divine. It’s a very deep secret, this one.

Where’s the motivation to lead a good, caring, positive life, then? Why not just go around and do whatever the hell you want, no matter who it hurts, and then ask for forgiveness with your dying breath? *sigh* Anyway, Poppy tells Teresa to make an offering to the divine:

It doesn’t matter how you think of God. It only matters that you let him think of you.

So basically atheists are screwed, right? I guess if an atheist slits his wrists in the bathtub, he doesn’t get to take a fun road trip with two dead people in order to redeem himself. Teresa thinks about how silly her problems really are, and how much Bill and Rene mean to her even after betraying her. She asks Poppy why she’s helping Teresa, and Poppy says that it’s because Teresa is “important to someone very important to [Poppy].” Teresa goes to sleep as Poppy tells her to “dream of living.”

At Bill’s house, Bill wakes up. He sees Teresa’s spare key in the door and realizes that she probably came by and saw him with Rene. He hauls ass out of there, presumably to go rescue Teresa at her apartment. So, if Teresa hadn’t redeemed herself with Poppy and Free, Bill would have seen the key and just been all, Eh, whatevs?

Teresa wakes up in the hospital, with a young medical student hovering nervously over her. She promises him that she won’t ever try to kill herself again. She asks why the guy wants to be a doctor, and he says that he wants to help people, and plus his mom wanted him to be a doc. He says that his mom died when he was young. Teresa astutely guesses that the doctor’s name is Johnny. Aw, that’s sort of sweet.

And with that, the book is over, THANK THE GODS.

—

So, yeah. I hate Road to Nowhere. Pike is capable of far better; with this book, he let his heavy-handed preachiness overshadow his storytelling. It did get a little better towards the end, but the whole notion of suicide = eternal damnation makes me want to claw someone’s eyes out. Have some compassion and quit being so judgmental, won’tcha, Chris?

I think I’ll do R.L. Stine’s Twisted next. The utter vapidity of a Stine book will help wash away the bad taste of Road to Nowhere.

Until then, don’t pick up any hitchhikers on your road trip to hell!