Twisted
R.L. Stine
1987, Scholastic (POINT)

She’s your sister.
Trust her.

Characters

• Abby Wallis — Our Fearless Heroine; pledging Tri Gam
• Gabriella Wallis — Abby’s sister; more serious and meaner than Abby
• Leila Sherman — Abby’s former BFF; pledging Tri Gam
• Gordon — Abby’s ex-boyfriend; dating Leila
• Nina — Abby’s childhood friend; pledging Tri Gam
• Andrea Volner — Tri Gam president
• Rebecca Reeves — pledging Tri Gam
• Jessie Harvard — pledging Tri Gam

This book is pretty damn boring. And Stine uses the word “twisted” way too often. I think I’m going to have a “twisted” count throughout this recap, just because it will maybe help keep me awake.

We open with Our Fearless Heroine, Abby Wallis, staring into her mirror at her sister Gabriella’s reflection. Ahem, FORESHADOWING. Abby can’t believe that Gabriella doesn’t want to join Gamma Gamma Gamma, aka Tri Gam, the “most exlusive sorority at Rockland State.” The name Gamma Gamma Gamma makes me think of that SNL skit: “Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya?” I guess for the Tri Gams it would be “Gamma Gamma Gamma, can I slam ya, slam ya, slam ya?”

Gabriella thinks that sororities are stupid, vapid, and a waste of her time. I can’t disagree much with her, as I generally dislike sorority girls. I feel nothing but pity and contempt for grown women who get all into that whole secret-sisterhood thing. (Fortunately the sorority members at my college were, overall, pretty awesome, as they didn’t take that silly shit too seriously.) Abby thinks that Gabriella’s just cold and “inhuman.” Gabriella leaves, and Abby’s mom walks in. Abby gets all huffy and bratty with her mom for no good reason. Ms. Wallis asks Abby if she thinks she can “handle it” if Tri Gam turns her down. This would leave us to believe that Abby has trouble handling rejection. Make a note of that, if you will.

“Twisted” tally: 1

Abby is nervous on her way to the Tri Gam house. She spent two hours just deciding on an outfit. I’m sure you’re dying to know what she decided on, so I shall oblige: “oversized gold sweater, and short, brown knit skirt over dark, patterned tights.” Abby deems this look “sophisticated, sexy, but casual.” “Sophisticated” is not the adjective I’d choose to describe an oversized gold sweater, but whatevs. Abby sees Leila Sherman entering the Tri Gam house. Apparently a year ago there was some “thing” with Leila, Gordon, and Abby.

Inside the house, Abby is disappointed by how worn the furnishings look. She’s slightly heartened by the fact that the official greeter is wearing a “trendy designer jumpsuit.” Ah, jumpsuits. Remember that bit of ’80s awesomeness?

Ah, sweet memories.

Speaking of fashion, Leila is wearing a “clinging, wine-colored sweaterdress.” Stine is obsessed with teenage girls in sweaterdresses. That’s the sort of thing that leads to you having to introduce yourself to all your new neighbors when you move, Robert.

Abby sees her childhood friend Nina in the house. What an awesome coincidence! Abby dumped Nina in high school because Nina was “too giggly, too silly, too naive, too young.” Here’s a ladder, Abby. Might I suggest you use it to get over yourself? Leila and Nina are roommates in the dorm. Nina and Abby make plans to grab coffee after the meeting, and then Leila starts to approach Abby. Before Abby has to face her frenemy, though, the meeting is called to order by Andrea Volner, president and pledge officer for the Tri Gams. Abby sits next to Rebecca Reeves, a tall girl with a “tiny mouse voice.”

While Andrea’s talking, Abby reflects on the whole situation with her, Gordon, and Leila. Apparently Abby and Leila used to be BFFs, and Abby used to date Gordon. But then Leila stole Gordon from Abby. Or, more likely, Gordon was lured away from Abby by Leila’s hot sweaterdresses.

Andrea’s spiel is interrupted by the late arrival of a chick named Jessie Harvard. Jessie is not dressed to impress — as Rebecca notes, “She’s wearing jeans — and they’re not even ’501s!” Because ’501s are the DRESSY blue jeans. Jessie has glasses, unruly hair, and a “definite weight problem,” so of course she is probably a horrible person. Abby wonders how Jessie got picked to pledge the exclusive Tri Gams, and Rebecca clues her in that Jessie’s older sister was in the sorority. Ah, Ye Olde Legacy System. Andrea continues droning on about Tri Gam being a lifelong commitment, and “sisters for life,” and blahblah banging-frat-boys blah. She wraps it up by telling the pledges that, to prove their loyalty to Gamma Gamma Gamma, they must commit a crime. Well, duh. Isn’t the Greek system founded on underage drinking? Oh wait…I think Andrea means another crime.

After the meeting, Nina and Abby are drinking coffee and talking about whether or not Andrea was serious about making the pledges commit a crime. Nina starts talking about how awesome it is to share a room with Leila, who is beautiful and fabulous and perfect, but confesses that she’s a little worried about Leila because of Gordon. Abby’s been waiting to hear some dirt about her ex, so she’s all, Tell me more, tell me more, just like those bitches in Grease. Nina is worried that Gordon, who has no job and no direction in life, will drag Leila down with him. Also, she apparently saw them boinking in the backseat of Gordon’s car in the dorm parking lot a few nights ago. Leila, honey, you are in college now. Start acting like it. Banging your boyfriend in the back of a car is totes high school. College chicks bang their boyfriends in their twin dorm beds, after draping their G-string over the door handle so the roomie knows not to bust in.

Abby’s all irritated that Nina is speaking ill of her ex, and Nina catches her snap and shuts the hell up. Jessie wanders over and invites herself to sit down with them. Heh. She’s all excited about the prospect of committing a crime. We learn that, among Jessie’s other crimes against humanity, she is also poor. She’s from South Shore, while Nina, Abby, and Leila are from North Shore:

South Shore was the less affluent of the two villages, populated largely by the people who worked for the homeowners in North Shore.

That sentence makes my head hurt so badly that I’m not sure I can go on. So…much…wrong. Nina and Abby haul ass out of there, away from the icky poor person, but not before they notice Jessie toying with a knife while smiling. She must be…eeeeeeeevil.

“Twisted” tally: 2

Back at the dorm, Leila’s all pissed at Nina for going out for coffee with Abby. She gives Abby a gift: a pair of binoculars, the better to spy on Leila and Gordon with. Leila storms out because she can’t room “with a spy.” Gawd, Leila, if you were so worried about people spying on you, maybe you shouldn’t have been having sex in a PUBLIC AREA.

At the Wallis house, Gabriella asks Abby what she thinks about the crime. Abby gets huffy and leaves, but then she wonders how the hell Gabriella knows about the crime. Let’s put on our thinking caps, shall we? Gordon is waiting for Abby in her room. In case you’re dying to know what he looks like, it’s apparently “like a big, unwashed Sean Penn.” Um…eww? Gordon apologizes for being an asshole to her last year, and they kiss. No word on whether or not Gordon’s lips are hot and dry.

The next chapter opens with Andrea and her pledge-ducklings on a bus, driving towards a scary-looking house. By the way, the bus is described as a “mini-schoolbus,” which cracks me up because, hey, sorority girls on the short bus! Out of the ten original pledges, only seven are on the bus — three of the girls outright refused to participate in any crime-committing. Also, there is a dead deer on the side of the road, which is mentioned in the book for no apparent reason other than that Stine is a sick fuck who loves to kill animals (fictionally).

At the big creepy house, Jessie complains about needing her space, so she gets a private room. Abby is assigned a room with Leila. OF COURSE. She tries to talk to Leila, but Leila says she’s too tired to talk. A likely story.

Apparently the girls are in one of those Northeastern oceanic resort towns that basically shuts completely down in the off-season (shades of Amity Island). Andrea leads them down Main Street to an antique store. Inside is a buttload of fancy antique furniture and cases of jewelry. I’m not a fan of antique stores — everything’s overpriced, and they always make me sneeze. I do, however, love thrift shops. My mom and I have perfected the art of finding awesome stuff at thrift stores. The antique store is owned by a little old woman named Marie Driftwood. Andrea lies to her that they’re cheerleaders visiting from Pennsylvania. Hey, I don’t try to understand the lies, I just report ‘em. Andrea points out the side entrance and the cash register and tells the girls to memorize the store layout because tomorrow they’ll be robbing the place blind. And, as an added bonus, one of the girls will be carrying a gun. Good times!

That night, Nina and Abby are talking. Nina warns Abby not to trust Leila. Speak of the devil — Leila comes into the room and purposefully ignores Nina. Nina explains to Abby that Leila accused her of spying on Leila and Gordon’s X-rated vehicular activities. This excitement is interrupted by Andrea calling a meeting to order to discuss the upcoming robbery. Andrea brandishes a pistol and tells the girls they’ll be drawing straws to see who gets to carry it. Um, why not ask if any of the girls has experience with firearms? I mean, I don’t even like guns, but I’ve fired my share of them. Then again, I grew up on a farm in Alabama, so my life experience is probably vastly different from that of an affluent New England sorority girl.

One chick, Ruby, decides to puss out. Andrea tells her that, while she doesn’t have to participate, she’ll have to stay in the house until everyone goes back to Rockland State. The straw-drawing commences, and Nina gets the short straw. She is not pleased with this turn of events. Later, Leila and Abby are talking in their bedroom when who should sneak in but Mr. Big Unwashed Sean Penn himself, Gordon. Wow, this guy is, like, a master at busting up into girls’ bedrooms, huh? Abby’s all excited and starts running over to him with open arms (nothing to hide, believe what I say…), but Gordon sidesteps her and embraces Leila instead. OOOOH BURN.

At breakfast, Nina looks like ass warmed over. She’s completely freaking out about being the lone gunwoman in the antique store heist. Abby acts like the caring friend she is, listening to Nina and attempting to console her. Oh wait…I mean she totally tunes Nina out and starts thinking about Gordon and Leila. Andrea comes in to gather up her little ducklings for their big day out. She freaks out because Jessie is wearing a Rockland State sweatshirt. That’s actually sort of funny, Stine. I didn’t know you had it in you. Jessie changes shirts, and the girls get on their short bus to head downtown. On the ride to Main Street, Andrea gives Nina a quick-and-dirty lesson in marksmanship. She assures Nina that the gun is loaded with blanks, and Nina is relieved. Because when you’re arrested for armed robbery, the cops will totally let you go once they find out you were using blanks.

Outside the store, Andrea tells the girls that they have three minutes in which to pull off the robbery. That’s…optimistic. I mean, these chickies aren’t career criminals. Tall, mousy-voiced Rebecca has the task of tying and gagging Mrs. Driftwood. I’m thinking that that alone would take more than three minutes. Probably the other girls will have already cleaned the place out by the time Rebecca has the old lady’s wrists bound. The girls, minus Andrea, walk into the shop, where they are greeted by Mrs. Driftwood. Mrs. Driftwood, in turn, is greeted by Nina aiming a gun at her face. Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do!

Nina, however, quickly falters, saying that she “can’t do this.” An exasperated Jessie grabs the gun away from her and tells the other girls to carry on with their robbing and pillaging. As the pledges are grabbing jewels and cash, Mrs. Driftwood suddenly starts crying out, “Oh! Oh! It hurts!” We can all see where this is going, no? She clutches her chest, her eyes roll up, and she collapses. Jessie checks for a pulse and then announces, “She’s dead. We’ve killed her.” What a shocker.

“Twisted” tally: 3

Aaaand we’re back at the creepy house. Andrea is pacing and repeating, “This wasn’t in the script.” Andrea would totes be the kind of director who couldn’t deal with ad-libbing actors. *cough*LorneMichaels*cough* Nina had wanted to go to the police, but Andrea had insisted that they pow-wow at the house before doing anything rash. Now Andrea’s threatening to tell the authorities that she and Ruby weren’t involved, and throw the rest of the girls under the (short) bus. Since there’s no phone in the house, Andrea’s going to walk to a neighboring house and use their phone to call the po-po. Jessie grabs her, screaming that Andrea’s not going anywhere. Andrea finally agrees to hold off on calling the police, to give the girls time to think everything over. She’s certain they’ll come around to her point of view. Oh yeah, I’m sure that these 18-year-old girls are going to be convinced that turning themselves in for armed robbery and third degree murder is the best course of action.

Leila and Abby try to comfort a despondent Nina. Leila tells Nina that it’s all a big joke, that she read in the paper that “some fraternity down in Georgia” does the same sort of trick every year. Nina is slightly cheered, but then Jessie, who’s been listening in, says that it’s not a joke — she examined poor dead Mrs. Driftwood. Nina gets all weepy again and goes to bed. Leila takes the opportunity to confront Abby about Gordon. Abby tells Leila that she’s just being paranoid. OH MY GOD THIS BOOK IS BORING. I must remember to keep it on my nightstand for those nights when I have insomnia.

Leila says that she felt bad about what happened last year, but that shit happens: “Kids go together. Kids break up.” Abby is capital-P Pissed by Leila’s dismissiveness. Doesn’t Leila know that Abby and Gordon were in lurve?!? HOW DARE SHE. Leila tells Abby to stay away from Gordon, and Abby whirls around to kick her. For some reason, this mental image cracks me up. I mean, three-year-olds kick each other. By the time you’re eighteen, you should have graduated to the bitch-slap. Leila sidesteps the kick, and Abby hurls a bottle of blush at her. She misses, and the bottle shatters against the wall. Leila doesn’t stick around to see what else Abby will do.

As Abby stares at her reflection in the mirror, Gabriella appears. Abby’s worried about Gabriella embarrassing her in front of Andrea and the pledges, but Gabriella says that she’s “come for a very different reason.” And, with that vague statement, she’s gone. Way to be creepy and pointless, Gabby. ZOMG you guys, I just realized that “Gabby” is, like, only one letter off from “Abby.” Do you think….?? NOOOO. It can’t be. Stine wouldn’t stoop to that old cliche, would he?

Abby has a total batshit moment after Gabriella leaves. She thinks, “Broken, broken, broken,” as she smears red lipstick all over her face. She admires her handiwork in the mirror. I am duly horrified, as I know how hard it is to clean lipstick off of your skin.

We shift our focus to Jessie and Nina, who are sitting on a porch swing and talking. Jessies tells Nina that the pledges have to stick together, no matter what Andrea says. She adds, “I wouldn’t worry about Andrea.” How mysterious! Suddenly the girls hear a gunshot, but Jessie eases Nina’s fears by reminding her that it’s duck season. Then they see Gordon running across the dunes, all hunched over. Maybe he has explosive diarrhea and he’s running towards a port-a-potty.

Back inside, the girls are bickering with each other. They suddenly realize that they haven’t seen or heard from Andrea in a while, so they go up to her bedroom to check on her. This isn’t my first R.L. Stine rodeo, so I’m not surprised that they find Andrea lying on her bed in a pool of blood. Jessie examines Andrea and announces that she’s been shot, and she’s dead. Hell, by the time this trip is over with, Jessie will have enough experience to qualify as a coroner.

The girls retreat to the corpseless first floor, and Rebecca begins frantically searching for a phone. The storm picks up (yeah, it’s been storming, but I didn’t feel like mentioning it before), and the power goes out. Jessie lights some candles. In the midst of this spooky ambience, Abby announces that one of the girls is a killer. It’s just like And Then There Were None…if, you know, And Then There Were None had sucked. Abby accuses Jessie, but Nina claims it was Gordon. She tells the girls how she and Jessie saw him running away from the house. Just then, someone starts banging on the door. Please let it be Pinhead, or Freddy, or Leatherface, or any horror-movie villain who might waste all these dumb bitches.

Alas, it’s just Gordon. Nina goes all shrill on his ass, asking, “Why did you do it?” Gordon is utterly confused. Jessie starts in, asking why he was running away from the house so guiltily, and why was he at the house to begin with, anyway? Abby pipes up and says that he came to see her. She says he was running away because he didn’t want to hurt her reputation. Ri-ight. Here’s a list of other things, besides having sex, that will also ruin one’s standing with freshman sorority girls:

• Getting really drunk
• Texting
• Having bulimia

Gordon says that, in fact, he came to see Leila. We switch to Leila’s POV, as she realizes that Abby is (as we Southerners say) Not Quite Right in the Head, Bless Her Heart. Leila is filled with pity for her former BFF. Jessie breaks up the Lifetime moment by telling Gordon that she’s going to lock him in a bedroom upstairs while she tries to figure out who’s telling the truth. Gordon doesn’t resist. As Jessie leads him upstairs, Leila tries to talk to Abby. Abby has morphed into Super-Bitch and tells Leila to “come up to [her] room — now.”

Back to Nina and Jessie. Jessie tries to soothe the hysterical Nina, but Nina just gets suspicious because Jessie’s being so calm. Don’t try to play that tired old excuse, Nina. You know you’re only suspecting Jessie because she’s fat and poor.

“Twisted” tally: 4

Meanwhile, Leila is concerned about Abby. She realizes that Abby is “still crazy about [Gordon]. Still…crazy.” If Leila knew all along that Abby was loony-tunes, then why in the helly hell didn’t she tell anyone? I mean, would YOU really want to go on a trip to a secluded, creepy house for a weekend with a person who’ sworking on her B.S.C. degree? Leila steels herself for the big showdown and goes upstairs to talk to Abby. Abby is sitting at the dressing table, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She turns around with a weird smile on her face, and Leila asks, “Abby, are you okay?”

You might want to brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime here, guys. Seriously. If you have a heart condition or are pregnant, look away now, because this is going to be one hell of a ride. And even if you’re in perfect health, it might be a good idea to sit down and take a few calming deep breaths before reading on. …There, are you ready? OK, then. Abby tells Leila, “I’m not Abby. I’m Gabriella.” ZOMG MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED. Stine, you sly devil, you — I never saw it coming! ABBY IS GABRIELLA?!?!?! I have not been this surprised by a turn of events since the ship sank at the end of Titanic.

Leila is all, WTF Abby? Abby says that she is Gabriella, Abby’s “loyal sister.” Gabriella thinks that Leila needs to pay for stealing Gordon away from Abby. After failing in her attempts to calm Abbriella the hell down, Leila decides to make a break for the sane side of the house. But she’s stopped by Abbriella pulling out the pistol from the robbery…and this time, it’s loaded with real bullets. Abbriella pulls back the hammer, and Leila screams, and we cut to…

…Nina, who has spotted a telephone cord downstairs. She surmises that where’s there is a phone cord, there must be a phone. She enlists the help of Ruby, Rebecca, and Emily in searching for the phone, but when they find the other end of the cord, there’s no phone attached. Cue the patented Nelson HA-ha.

Suddenly the girls hear screams. Rebecca says they’re coming from the basement.

In the basement, Abbriella has Leila cornered, at gunpoint, against some nasty old wet newspapers. Ewww. Leila tries valiantly to talk her way out of this icky situation, to no avail. Abbriella pulls back the pistol hammer (AGAIN), and says, “Goodbye, Leila.”

“Twisted” tally: 5

But before Abbriella can pull the trigger, Gordon bursts in like a big, unwashed knight in shining armor. When he figures out that Abby has morphed into Gabriella, he tells Leila that “this is what happened to her before. This is her other personality.” I’m not even going to get into how badly Stine mangled the concept of dissociative identity disorder, because I’m too busy hoping for some good old-fashioned teen-girl murder. There’s a lot of pointless blather that takes precious moments away from the potential bloodbath, and then Leila and Gordon dive for Abbriella. Gordon grabs the pistol, and it goes off in his hand.

On the first level, the girls realize that Leila is the one screaming. Rebecca grabs a knife from the kitchen, and they haul ass to the basement, where they’re treated to this scene:

[The pistol] was lying in the middle of the floor in front of a torn armchair. A few yards behind it, Gordon and Abby were wrestling on the ground, cursing, pulling at each other’s hair, rolling on the wet floor, screaming, struggling to reach the gun.

“Pulling at each other’s hair?” Srsly? Dude, Gordon fights like a chick. Also, I bet Abbriella is getting the short end of the stick here, because Gordon’s unwashed hair is probably so slick with oil that she can’t get a good grasp on it. Nina grabs the pistol and tries to appraise the situation. At first, she thinks that Gordon might be the bad guy after all, and now he’s trying to take down Abby. But then Abbriella starts screaming that she’s not Abby, she’s Gabriella, and Nina realizes that her friend has lost her goddamn mind. Nina says they’ll go to the nearest house to get help right away, but a voice from behind them says, “That won’t be necessary.”

The girls turn around to see who’s joined them. It’s Andrea and her special guest, Mrs. Driftwood! Andrea congratulates the pledges on becoming Tri Gams, by passing the test of courage. How does holding up an antique store demonstrate courage, exactly? To me it just demonstrates a willingness to sacrifice your own sense of ethics in order to fit into a group. But I guess that’s what sororities are all about, when you get right down to it, eh? Nina tells Andrea that she’s very disappointed, and that she’s ashamed of the Tri Gams and of herself. But she’s going to join the sorority anyway, because she’s earned it, and because she hopes to effect positive changes in the group by eliminating the fake-robbery weekend. Ah, the idealism of youth. They’re so cute when they still think they can reform the system. Nina figures out that Jessie was involved in the prank, courtesy of her foreknowledge of the weekend via her older sister.

Leila hugs Abbriella and cries, saying, “You were my best friend. My best friend.” This is actually a touching moment. I sort of like Leila. She apologizes to Abbriella, and Nina tells Leila that she shouldn’t blame herself for what happened. Nina tells Leila and Gordon to go upstairs and calm down, and she’ll wait with Abbriella until help arrives. Upstairs, Leila informs Gordon that she’s not going to join Tri Gam, so she’ll have plenty of time to bang him in the backseat of his car. Well, she doesn’t say that last part, but it’s implied.

“Twisted” tally: 6

Later, as the paramedics are gathering up Abbriella, Abby tells Gabriella, “You’ve got to let me live my own life.” Abby freaks out as the paramedics load her into the ambulance, and she asks Gabriella what the hell’s going on. Gabriella tells her not to worry: “You’ll be okay. … I’m coming along, too.” And with that no-shit-Sherlock statement, the book ends.

—

Gaaaaahhhhhhhh, this book was so boring. It took me way longer than necessary to do this recap because I kept lapsing into a coma every 50 pages or so. And to top it all off, no one died! Sending someone off to the loony bin is no substitute for murder, Stine. Quit doing it.

I’m not sure what I’ll recap next. Maybe I’ll get back to Ms. Cooney.

Until next time, don’t commit any fake murders just to be accepted into a peer group.

Tags: college, insanity, point horror, sisters, totally 80s

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