Fear Street:
Into the Dark
R.L. Stine
1997, Archway

See no evil…

Characters

• Paulette Fox — Our Fearless Heroine; a blind pianist
• Brad Jones — the new boy in Shadyside, and Paulette’s crush; may or may not be a “bad boy”
• Jonathan Maddox — Paulette’s BFF; has a crush on her
• Cindy Webb — Paulette’s BFF; an incorrigible gossip

First of all, I apologize for being the Worst Blogger Ever. I’m going to have to put The Fog on hold for now, because I just can’t seem to write a good recap of it. I decided to tackle a really crappy book instead, so naturally I picked up a Fear Street book. This one has a blind chick! It’s like the most perfect catastrophe ever.

Let’s firstly judge this book by its cover. It’s like Clueless-era Alicia Silverstone decided to do an impression of Stevie Wonder at the top of some stairs. Also, Paulette doesn’t wear sunglasses in the book, but since sunglasses are the universal lazy artist’s code for This Is a Blind Person, I can understand their inclusion here.

We open with a prologue that takes up a full one-fifth of a page. WHAT THE HELL, STINE. Basically we have an unnamed dude spying on a blind girl. The blind girl is apparently hot, with brown hair and green eyes. Oh, and “soft pink lips.” Stine grosses me out sometimes all the time.

After that excitement, Chapter One opens with Our Fearless Heroine, Paulette Fox, screaming at her friend Jonathan to slow down his mad driving skillz. When Jonathan says he’s not speeding, Paulette argues that he’s doing “forty-five in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone.” Pshaw. My first speeding ticket was for 85 in a 40. And that was in a ’92 Taurus that started shaking uncontrollably once it got up to 75. Jonathan’s a wuss.

We learn that Paulette has been blind from birth, but apparently she is an X-Man with super-awesome hearing and smelling senses. Sigh. Blind people don’t have more acute senses than people with sight, but they do learn to use those senses more efficiently. I’m not sure that knowing exactly how fast a car is going can be explained thusly, but there you have it. Paulette tells Jonathan that she signed up for self-defense in gym class. Jonathan promptly shits a brick, asking, “Isn’t self-defense a little dangerous?” Hey, dumbass, isn’t not knowing how to defend yourself against an aggressor a little MORE dangerous? Who in the hell would deny a young blind woman the opportunity to learn how to protect herself? Paulette says that her parents will probably have the same reaction, because they are just a teensy bit overprotective.

By this time, Jonathan and Paulette have arrived at their destination: the music academy where Paulette takes piano lessons. As she’s walking to the building, someone yells “watch out” and then tackles her. I’m all about turning Fear Street books into full-contact sports. The guy who tackled Paulette explains that an empty car was headed right for her. Christine? Paulette’s tackler/savior is Brad Jones, a senior at Shadyside High. Brad just moved to Shadyside and works part-time as a janitorial assistant at the music academy, because he is poor. He enjoys playing piano but can’t afford lessons, because he is poor. Also? Brad is poor. Paulette really likes Brad’s smooth, deep voice. This may or may not be vital to the plot (“plot”) of this book, so therefore it may or may not be harped upon eleventy billion times throughout. Subtlety, thy name is Stine.

Jonathan FINALLY comes over to check on his friend. Brad takes his leave of them, and Paulette and Jonathan go into the academy for Paulette’s lesson. Apparently she blows chunks at her lesson because she’s all distracted by thoughts of Brad and his dreamy voice. As she and Jonathan are leaving the academy, Brad runs up to Paulette and gets her digits. Paulette is happy that Brad treats her like a normal human being, because “most guys act as if [she's] so fragile [she] could break or something.” Well, Brad’s full-body tackle of Paulette pretty much proves that he doesn’t think she’s breakable. Paulette asks Jonathan what Brad looks like, and you just know that Jonathan’s pulling a total bitchface as he says, “I don’t exactly go around staring at other guys.” He finally concedes that he “thinks” Brad “has brown hair.” How do these visual descriptions help Paulette, anyway? If she’s been blind since birth, she has no concept of the color “brown,” does she? I mean, how do you describe brown to someone who’s never been able to see? “It’s the color of dirt–you know, that stuff that you…can’t…see…aw hell, never mind.”

Jonathan also has some hot gossip for Paulette about her new crush. Rumor has it that Brad “got in major trouble back in Springfield,” and by “major trouble” Jonathan means he got arrested for robbery. That’s pretty major in real-world high school, but in Shadyside where cheerleaders are routinely possessed by evil spirits, I’d say a little B&E is worth a mere “eh.” Paulette doesn’t believe it because Brad seems like such a nice guy. In her defense, even though she’s only known him for five minutes, he did save her life. That would tend to endear someone to me, too.

At the Fox house (den? — oh, I kill me), we meet Paulette’s overprotective parental units and learn that nothing in the house or backyard is ever moved because Paulette has memorized the layout. Can I just take a minute to say that I wish Stine had named Paulette “Samantha?” I love S-S-S-S-Samantha Fox. Naughty girls need love, too, y’all.

Don’t let the sunglasses throw you — this Fox is not blind.

Paulette’s mom keeps Paulette’s clothes on color-coded hangers. I guess Mrs. Fox also gave Paulette extensive lessons on what colors go together? Since, you know, Paulette would have no concept whatsoever of colors and, therefore, no idea of color coordination? This is where I’d be a failure as a parent, because I would totally fuck with Paulette and tell her that pea green and hot pink is the best color combo EVAH. Anyway, as Paulette’s chillin’ in her bedroom listening to some tunes, her BFF Cindy Webb calls. She eases Paulette’s worried mind by assuring her that Brad Jones is really fucking hot — “he looks like a movie star.” I guess that’s supposed to signify ultimate hotness, as apparently Cindy has forgotten that people like Clint Howard are also movie stars.

The mysterious Brad Jones???

Then again, maybe Brad really is butt-fugly, and Paulette’s friends are just fucking with her. That would be hilarious but sad. Mostly hilarious, though.

Paulette asks Cindy about all of the ugly rumors going around about Brad. Cindy says that “rumors don’t start from nothing,” which is often true, but concedes that the rumors could just be “really exaggerated.” Wow, is Cindy actually sort of level-headed? Am I still reading a Fear Street book? Cindy and Paulette conclude their conversation, and Paulette gets another call. The caller is a guy with a husky voice. He says he’s Brad, but Paulette “didn’t recognize his voice.” FORESHADOWING. The maybe-Brad says that he can’t stop thinking about Paulette and assuming that she’s been thinking about him, too. How can a phone call be both creepy and boring at the same time?

We cut to the next day, where Paulette is in her self-defense class. Her teacher tells her to “go with her opponent’s strength” to “use [her] enemy’s strength against him.” This may or may not play a vital role in later events. And then we’re in the school cafeteria for lunch. Cindy is full of gossip, but Paulette’s not paying her a damn bit of attention. Cindy catches her snap and asks about Brad, and Paulette tells her about the weird phone call and how Brad’s voice didn’t sound right. Then Brad himself comes up to the gals, and Cindy leaves her BFF and her crush in peace. Some boring flirting commences, and then Brad lets Paulette feel up his face so she can get an idea of what he looks like. If I were a blind person and people told me to do that, I would totally stick my finger up their nose or something. I obviously need help. Brad has a small scar by his left eye from falling out of a tree as a kid. This also may or may not be vital. Anyway, Brad tells Paulette that he’s found a great place to practice piano, since he’s too poor to afford lessons: there’s a piano in an abandoned house…on Fear Street. This can only lead to very bad things.

At home, Paulette bangs her shin on her wastebasket in her bedroom. This is weird, since no furniture in the Fox house ever moves, because of Paulette’s blindness and all. Cindy comes over and freaks the hell out when she enters Paulette’s bedroom. Apparently someone has written “You will be dead, blind girl” on Paulette’s wall in red paint. Why would you WRITE THREATS ON A BLIND GIRL’S WALL? If you really want to threaten her, shouldn’t you, like, leave a creepy message on her answering machine? Or put rotten meat in her bed? Or anything but, you know, do something that is ENTIRELY DEPENDENT UPON SIGHT? Paulette convinces Cindy not to call the cops or tell Momma and Daddy Fox, because they already hover over her enough as it is. My mother-in-law calls this “helicopter parenting,” which is, like, the best description EVER. Cindy finally agrees, and she and Paulette clean up the wall.

The next morning, Paulette gives her dad the self-defense permission form to sign. At first they balk, but Paulette convinces them that it will be good for her. Boring, boring, boring. But we’re about to get some action, as on the way to school, a mysterious person follows Paulette to a crosswalk and then pushes her out into the street, where she is almost hit by a car. The woman driving the car gets out to fret over Paulette, and they are joined by none other than Brad Jones. Brad’s voice is all husky and weird, though, as he tries to convince Paulette that she just tripped over a big hole in the sidewalk. Then he says, “I think about you all the time. You think about me too, don’t you, Paulette?” Dude, now is neither the time nor the place.

At study hall in the library, Paulette is sitting with Cindy and Jonathan. We learn that Jonathan is fat. Fascinating. Brad comes in and asks Paulette if she’d like to hear him play after school. He says that he’s glad he ran into her because he’d been hoping to see her today, and Paulette says he saw her this morning. Brad is puzzled. Hmm…maybe the person who doesn’t sound at all like Brad is not Brad after all? COULD IT BE TRUE?

After school, Brad meets Paulette at Fear Street and helps her navigate the way to the abandoned house. There’s no electricity in the house, but the gas is still connected. This, like so many other things, may or may not be vital later. Paulette tickles the ivories of the piano for a bit and is impressed by its sound. Then Brad plays for her. He’s got natural talent, but he needs training. Paulette shows him some scales and exercises to help him improve his technique. Just as Brad’s about to thank her by planting a soft, dry kiss on her lips, they’re interrupted by a loud crash from upstairs. Brad runs upstairs to check it out, leaving Paulette alone downstairs listening to the mysterious footsteps and thuds from above. Suddenly the house falls silent, and Paulette decides that the best course of action is to go upstairs and look for Brad. Ah, the unending brilliance of high school girls. As she’s navigating her way up the stairs, someone grabs her…

…But it’s just Jonathan. (See what I did there? I attempted to replicate the cliffhanger chapter breaks with the use of ellipses and a new paragraph. Did it work? Were you on the edge of your seat in fear and anticipation?) He tells Paulette that she was about to “step on a missing stair.” Well, if it’s missing, then she wasn’t about to step on it, now, was she? Gawd. Jonathan admits that he followed Paulette here (STALKER), and then he goes upstairs to look for Brad. But there’s no one upstairs. Apparently Brad totes abandoned a blind girl in an abandoned house on Fear Street. What a prince! As Jonathan drives Paulette home, she eats a red herring sandwich and wonders if maybe he was the one fighting with Brad upstairs.

At school the next day, Paulette asks Brad what the hell was up with him leaving her alone in the house. His non-explanation is that “something came up” that he “had to take care of.” Then he tells her that he can’t see her anymore, and refuses to explain why. To make himself look even more batshit, he chokes out, “No! It’s no good! I can’t let this happen again!,” and then literally runs away from Paulette. Ohh. Kay.

That night, Paulette is watching — ummm, listening to — a horror movie with Cindy and Jonathan. Even though Paulette normally enjoys listening to movies, but tonight she’s all distracted by Brad’s weirdness. After the movie, she tells Cindy and Jonathan that Brad dumped her and then ran off. Jonathan tries to restrain his gloating. Paulette says that normally she enjoys being with Brad, but “sometimes … there is something different about him.” WE GET IT, STINE.

At the Fox house, Mr. and Mrs. Fox break the bad news that Grandma Fox fell and broke some ribs, so they’ll be spending a lot of time with her and therefore not getting home until very late most nights. How convenient for Paulette’s stalker. Paulette is later awakened from sleep by a weird scraping sound. She gets up to close her open window, and someone grabs her wrist. She screams and struggles, finally freeing herself and frightening off the intruder. Her parents come running in to see what all the girly screaming is about, and Paulette says that she just had a nightmare. Daddy Fox checks out the window and finds a man’s ring, which he hands to Paulette for inspection. She traces the initials … B.J. I’m torn on which joke to make here, so I shall present my options and let you choose your favorite:

• Someone is dropping an elaborate but none-too-subtle hint that he wants oral sex.
• Brian Jones has risen from the dead and is stalking a blind girl?
• If B.J. is here, then the Bear can’t be far behind!
• Heh. Blowjob, blowjob, blowjob.

So anyway, Paulette surmises that Brad was at her window trying to scare the shit out of her. Blah blah stalkercakes. She lies to her parents and says the ring belongs to her friend Bobby.

The next day, Paulette and her BFFs are at Pete’s Pizza. Do teenagers ever frequent non-pizza restaurants in these YA books? What’s wrong with a nice Chinese buffet? Jonathan tries lamely to cheer Paulette up, and then asks how long it’s been since Paulette last conversed with Brad. Paulette responds that, just last night, she and Mr. Jones were stumbling through the barrio, staring at the beautiful women…oh, wait, that’s a kickass ’90s song, not a sucktastic ’90s Fear Street book. The bottom line is that Paulette hasn’t heard that Brad dropped out of school. QUITTER. Just as Paulette is bathed in self-pity, the restaurant door slams and a “hoarse, rough voice” yells, “Everybody freeze! This is a holdup!” Oh, please let it be Ringo and Honey Bunny…but no, it’s just some lame dude in a mask with a gun.

Lame Dude in a Mask with a Gun demands that the waiter empty the cash register and then tells the restaurant patrons to drop all of their valuables in a bag. Paulette bends down and gropes under the table for her backpack, which freaks the LDIAMWAG out. Jonathan stands up to explain Paulette’s blindness to the LDIAMWAG, and promptly gets shot. Well, duh, dumbass. What did you expect? Luckily (?), Jonathan is still alive. LDIAMWAG continues collecting valuables from the customers, but then a couple of guys jump up to attack him. Billy, don’t be a hero. They rip off his mask, revealing the armed robber to be…

…COREY FELDMAN! No, that actually would have been way cooler than anything that ever happened in any Fear Street book, ever. And when Corey Feldman is cooler than anything that ever happened in your book series, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Like, to the point of suicide. Anyway, LDIAMWAG is Brad Jones. Yawn. He escapes.

The police arrive and send Jonathan in an ambulance to the hospital. He will, unfortunately, live. Far too few people are dying in this book. Then the cops begin to question the customers. Perhaps a better course of action would have been to, I don’t know, PURSUE THE ARMED ROBBER? One chicky says that the robber was Brad Jones, but Paulette mentally replays the robbery scene in her head and realizes that the LDIAMWAG didn’t sound or smell like Brad. Apparently the LDIAMWAG smelled like cinnamon. Yum! Paulette finally speaks up and says that the LDIAMWAG couldn’t have been Brad because his voice and scent weren’t right. Some people laugh at her, and the cops obviously don’t take her seriously. I have to side with Paulette here, though. I have a strong sense of smell, and I can often tell people by their scents. I know that’s weird, but hey, what can I say. I’m weird.

Later, Paulette and Cindy are at Cindy’s house waiting on news of Jonathan. Paulette feels like it’s her fault that Jonathan got shot. Paulette, honey, you can’t control your friends’ dumbass actions. Mrs. Maddox calls to let the girls know that Jonathan will be fine. Then Paulette starts up with her whole it-wasn’t-Brad theory, and Cindy loses her shit, screaming at Paulette that hell yes it was Brad who robbed Pete’s Pizza. Finally Cindy acquieses to helping Paulette find Brad to warn him of impending danger…OHMYGOD WILL SOMEONE DIE ALREADY BECAUSE THIS IS BORING. Cindy takes Paulette to the music academy, but Brad never showed up for work that day. This settles matters for Cindy, who says that Brad wasn’t at work “because he was out robbing Pete’s Pizza.”

Paulette does the sensible thing and breaks into Brad’s work locker. Inside are newspaper clippings about a string of armed robberies in Brad’s hometown. Brad was arrested for the robberies but released on bail, which he apparently jumped before…moving to Shadyside and starting high school there. WHAT THE FUCK, BRAD. Does the sentence “flee to a tropical island and enjoy life on the lam making girly drinks for tourists and walking around shirtless all day” mean nothing to you? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL IF YOU HAVE JUMPED BAIL? Also, I guess the Shadyside High personnel office doesn’t check student records too closely, huh? And where does this kid live, anyway? Does he have his own apartment? And why in the holy hell would he keep those incriminating clippings in his locker? Brad is a dumbass.

That night, the phone awakens Paulette. It’s Brad, calling to proclaim his innocence and warn Paulette to be careful. Blahblah establishing-dramatic-tension fail.

The next day, Mr. and Mrs. Fox leave to visit ol’ broken-ribs Grandma. Paulette stays behind to catch up on homework. But someone is in the backyard, and as Paulette tries to navigate her way to the house, she realizes that her familiar landmarks have been messed with. She eventually makes her way into the house and calls Cindy, who immediately comes over. After Cindy checks out the yard and house and declares everything clear, she turns on the TV, where a special news bulletin just happens to be in progress. Such a coincidence! Apparently there was another armed robbery, this time of a nearby convenience store, and police have released the name of the suspect: the local blind piano-playing teen, Paulette Fox! No, wait, that would actually be an exciting twist. The name of the suspect is actually Brad Jones. Paulette and Cindy are surprised by this, because they are dumb.

After Cindy leaves, the phone rings. It’s Brad, but weird-voiced Brad this time. Brad tells Paulette that he had an identical twin, Ed, who has always been jealous of Brad. Ed committed the crimes in Springfield, and now he has followed Brad to Shadyside to make more trouble for him. Ed needs a hobby. Might I recommend woodworking? Ed has fallen in lust with Paulette, which is why Brad broke it off with her — to protect her. Ed always committed the robberies. Now Ed has trapped Brad in the abandoned Fear Street house and has hurt him, and Brad is very weak and needs Paulette’s help.

Paulette realizes that, whenever she was talking to the husky-voiced-Brad, she was really talking to Ed. Apparently her epiphany does not extend to her most recent phone call, because she immediately hauls ass for the Fear Street house. She carefully navigates up the crumbling staircase and finds Brad lying on the floor. She wants to call a doctor and get the hell out, but Brad says that Ed hid the money and jewelry from the robberies in the house and is coming right back for them. Instead, Paulette needs to help Brad trap Ed. And…do what? Gah, this book is retarded. They hear Ed enter the house, and Brad knocks him out when he gets upstairs. Brad gives Paulette rope to tie up Ed, and she does so. After Ed is tied up, he regains consciousness and says that he’s Brad and the other guy is actually Ed. This has all the makings of a wacky ’80s sitcom. I can hear the theme song now:

I’m Brad! He’s Ed!
And he wants you dead!
Nuh-uh, I’m Brad!
You lie, you cad!
He pushed you in the street
And made you tie up my feet.
He smells like potpourri –
It’s me you love, not he!
It’s the Brad and Ed shoooooooooow!

I may need serious psychiatric help.

Anyway, Paulette remembers that Brad has a scar by his left eye, so she touches the standing twin’s face. No scar. So Brad is really Ed! And Ed is really Brad! It’s all one big misunderstanding. Insert canned studio laughter here. Ed realizes that Paulette knows the truth now, so in true dumb-villain fashion, he reveals all of his secrets. He then ties Paulette up as he rants and raves about how everyone always loves Brad, not Ed. Maybe because you’re a sociopath, Ed? I’m just throwing it out there. Then Ed turns on the gas in the house and prepares to make his escape.

But Paulette has A Great Plan. She calls out to Ed, begging him to take her with him. She says that all this time it was really Ed with whom she was in love. Brad doesn’t catch the snap and starts whining that Paulette’s upset and doesn’t know what she’s saying. SHUT UP, BRAD. Ed buys Paulette’s load of manure and unties her ankles, but since he still doesn’t entirely trust her, he leaves her hands tied. Because women of course have no lower-body strength whatsoever and cannot effectively attack someone using only their legs. Ed gives Paulette the flashlight and takes her into the room where he hid the money and jewelry. Then Paulette smashes the flashlight to even out the fight. Maybe she should have clocked Ed on the head with it? But that would make sense, so of course it can’t happen.

Paulette leads Ed to the top of the staircase, and her one lone self-defense class replays in her head. When Ed lunges at her, she uses his strength and momentum against him to throw him down the staircase. He falls with a “heavy thud.” Paulette runs back to Brad and frees him, and together they navigate down the rotted staircase. At the bottom is Ed, who is dead. Dead Ed. Outside the house, they hear sirens — a neighbor called the cops when he saw flashlights in the abandoned house. For once, having a nosy neighbor pays off. Brad turns to Paulette and says lamely, “I feel as if I’m finally coming out of the dark.” You know, because she’s blind, and…oh my god, whatever. It’s over. This goddamned horrible book is over.

—

I promise not to disappear for such a long time again. Until next time, don’t fall in love with an evil twin.

Tags: blind person, evil twin, mistaken identity

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